Category: Words

Scary, yeah?

It’s not that I’m sad, or stressed out…but for some reason, I am not sleeping well. Right. I know. I’ve said that before, but then I started sleeping again. The last month or so, not so much. I fall asleep with no trouble at all, and then 0200 rolls around like a big old insomniac fog and lands right on top of me.

Don’t get me wrong–I like saying hello to 0200 as much as anyone–but not on a work night.

The thing that is a little bit different, is that I’m not awake with my brain spinning. I’m not carrying around imaginary conversations. Which is good. So the question of why I am awake remains.

Part of it is (FUCK) my age. I wake up in a sweat. If I am going to do the menopause thing, that’s great, really, but can I get to the “pause” part if I have to have hot flashes in the middle of the night? It really doesn’t seem reasonable to expect me to have bleeding AND sweating. KThxBai.

I also wonder if maybe there’s been a little more socializing than my poor introverted psyche can manage. Which means I ought to be a complete wreck by Monday, since my weekend is going to be all socializing all the time. Whee.

But it’s fuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnn. I love my people!
Remind me of that when you come and visit me in the psych ward. You WILL come and visit me, right? RIGHT?

Or then there is always this: I could be stressing about something and repressing it. That would suck. I think I have more or less managed to put that sort of thing behind me, but I suppose I could have backslid without realizing.

I guess I can consider the options when I am up again at 0200!

Happy Hallmark Day.
Love ’em if you’ve got ’em?..

Ever feel like a token?

There are probably a lot of different ways to get made into a token.

A token is something that stands in for something else. In the case of a subway or bus token, it’s a coin-like object that stands in for real money. Something of little or no value being substituted for the real thing.

As a woman who has worked in one of the more technical areas of IT, I’ve often been the only female on a technical call. More than once, after introducing myself (including my title) I’ve gotten the response “so, when is the firewall guy going to be joining the call?” Subtext: “yeah, yeah. You say you’re the network administrator who will be doing the firewall configuration…but when will your daddy be here?”

In the five years I was a network admin, I never worked with a woman from any other site. When I worked with our other female network admin on projects, it was always noted how rare it was to have not one, but two women on the team. There are not a lot of women in the field.

In one conference call to discuss a technical issue, I was working with 2 administrators from another site. Both male. One of them had worked with me many times. The other was new. At one point during the troubleshooting, when I had double checked my side and asked them to do so as well, the new guy said to the other guy (without muting his phone): “I don’t think this chick knows what she is doing.” The other guy, to his credit, responded by indicating that I was very good at my job.

I replied “this chick is smart enough to mute her phone when she says something rude about someone. Please check your configuration, particularly the NAT rules. You will probably find that something has been mis-typed, or that there is a rule missing completely for the impacted IP addresses.”

Which turned out to be the case.

Even though I am an extremely competent person in any job I have held, I was being treated like a token. A placeholder. Not real. I am not typically quick to perceive sexism, I don’t think, but these calls are a pretty good representation of it.

You can also be a relationship token. The one that is good enough to hang out with if no one better is available and gets dropped when someone in a push-up bra walks by. People who “tokenize” other people typically aren’t very smart in their actual choices. That is why they keep coming back, I suppose, but because they don’t see you as real, they don’t want to keep you.

And now my brain has audibly clicked into the off position.
I do hope I will be able to complete a thought soon.
I miss thoughts…

I have been feeling a bit..positive..but overwhelmed lately.
It seems like there is a lot of shit to keep track of and I don’t feel much like doing it. Keeping track, I mean.

For instance, I really need to get my car serviced.
Fuck. Hang on. I am going to make the appointment now.
Done.

OK. Now remind me to check my oil the next time I am near my car when it’s light outside. Thanks.

Also? If someone could remind me to go to an ATM and see if my new card works, that would be great.

And I need to make sure I remember to buy milk because I am having a whole lot of people over for cereal on Sunday. I wonder if I have enough Pop Tarts?

I don’t really have that much stuff to keep track of compared to most people. My life is really pretty simple. Maybe I have been doing too much social stuff and not spending enough time alone. That does make me a little dumb.

Or, maybe I am overthinking this and just need to get over myself and make a fucking list.

Nah. Overthinking?! Me??!

So, yes. Definitely too much focus on the social, which makes me all muzzy. It’s the introvert’s dilemma: to meet new people, you have to go out. Going out makes an introvert mentally and emotionally tired. If you go out and it goes well, they want to see you again. Which is more going out.

So I am handling it by having 15 or 20 people over this weekend. That will put an end to any semblance of sanity. Then I will hole up and not see anyone for a week. Except Paddy. We sing on Monday. After Monday, I will do introvert hibernation. I’ve only been able to get a few nights a week. I think I need more than that..

I only have one other social thing this weekend, so that is good. And bad. Kinda wish I had a social thing with this one guy, but I don’t…

Oh well. Things are really pretty great right now, in spite of my relative inability to keep track of simple domestic tasks. Or write a coherent post.

Life is good!

Maybe I write better when I have more angst.

Don’t care. Happy.