Category: Words

You might as well get comfortable with yourself, because who you are right now just might be all you will ever be.
–Some woman in a TV show

I gave you candy, gave you diamonds
Gave you pills, I gave you anything you want
Hundred dollar bills
I even let you hear the songs I want to sing
I gave you anything anything anything
–Dramarama/Anything, Anything

The other day, I turned on the television to watch a movie and some random documentary was on. It was about tiny houses. I have no idea what most of the focus of the show was aside from small houses, but this woman was talking about some of the reasons she downsized drastically and moved into a tiny house.

The idea of being comfortable with yourself jumped right out at me.

I have always had a hard time with it. It’s something I am only starting to come into. I am not even particularly comfortable talking about it, and as some of you know, I will talk about pretty much anything. There’s really no reason for me to be so squicky about it. A lot of people are uncomfortable with aspects of themselves.

Most people probably are.

I think maybe what makes me uncomfortable about talking about being uncomfortable with myself, apart from using the word uncomfortable so much, is that it tends to go along with pretending. If you don’t like who you are, you’re inclined to act like someone you are not.

You might not even be aware of it. What do you suppose is worse: lying to yourself or to other people?

Be yourself
Don’t pretend
No one is all bad or all good
Telling people what you want is scary, but sometimes actually results in getting what you want
Tell people you love them
Love people
Never assume bad intent
Be kind to yourself
Give people a chance. More than one.
Realize that people probably don’t mean to fuck you up when they fuck up
Trying new things is fun
Laughing until you can’t breathe is great therapy
Don’t be afraid to have a heated discussion if it’s important
Sometimes you hurt people you love
Being happy leads to more being happy
I have more things to be grateful about than I could ever possibly list
My friends save my life in ways big and small every damn day

My first grade teacher:
“Since you have already learned everything that we are planning on teaching you this year, we would like you to help the class delinquents with their school work.”

Me:
“But they are stupid and lazy and they always hit me at recess.”

Teacher:
“Tough”

12 years later….

Student in my French conversation class:
“How do you say table in French?”

Me:
“Table. Honestly, it’s the same word in French and English. You’ve asked me 4 times already tonight. If you ask me one more time, I may have to hit you.”

Student:
“Geez, chill.”

I am paraphrasing the teacher and student slightly, but the quotes from me are accurate to the best of my recollection. As a result of these very positive teaching experiences, I learned that I do not have a calling for the teaching professions.

Particularly in the first grade, in which I was basically forced to do the school work for 3 boys under penalty of bruised shins and bloody noses. They were not nice boys, and they had no desire to learn anything even in the first grade. They are probably seasoned felons by now. Really.

What I didn’t understand then, and still don’t understand now, is how someone can not be excited about learning new things. Even now, I love taking classes. I love being a student. I love all of the accoutrements of the classroom. I love buying pencils and notebooks. I love going to the bookstore and getting my books. I am an enthusiastic, if not particularly hard working student. I’m an excellent learner of new things, and I like to connect them.

It seems like teaching would be a natural progression, but I have always hated it. I have very unreasonable expectations of what other people are capable of absorbing. I do not like to repeat myself. I do not like being the focus of attention but if the students fail to pay attention I like that even less.

It is a lose-lose proposition all around.

The irony, of course, is that I am good at it. So I do a lot of it. At work, I am the go-to person in spite of my occasionally thorny personality and propensity for profanity. I am the helper and explainer. I am the one who knows everything. The one who bats cleanup. The one who makes sure everyone is doing Ok. The one who does everyone’s work so we can all be done on time.

Which is flattering, and mostly great.

Sometimes, though?

I’d really rather be the one who gets taken care of. The one who get swept off her feet. The one who gets coddled. The one who people check on.

Sometimes it would be nice to have people worried about me a little bit.

But then I kick myself in the ass, wipe my eyes and go back to work.
I may not be a teacher, but I do like to take care of my people…