An imaginary conversation about being confused

So what are you going to do?

Fuck, I don’t know.

It seems pretty obvious to me.

I know it does. I wish it did to me.

It doesn’t?

Well, yes, actually it does. It’s totally obvious.

So what’s the problem?

I don’t like it. It feels wrong. The logical thing.

But you know what’s going to happen, right?

My brain does.

And you aren’t listening to your brain because why?

Because my heart says something else. Maybe I’m an idiot.

No, you’re just human.

A human idiot.

No. I’ll support you whatever you do.

Because you are awesome. Too bad I am not in love with you.

It would make some things a lot easier.

I’m sure I could learn to be more gay.

No you couldn’t.

It’s not like I’ve ever tried. Maybe I have an aptitude for it.

I am NOT explaining that to my boyfriend.

Yeah. That might be awkward. Although..technically…he never said you couldn’t go out with other women.

No. That is true. We haven’t had a discussion about that. But I thought you were against the sort of honesty that is based on just not saying things that aren’t true.

Oh, we’re going to be requiring coherency from me now? I’m not sure I am prepared for that.

Only on honesty.

I have to agree with you there. Besides, we are both shitty liars.

Especially me.

Why especially you?

No reason.

Hmm…

Really.

OK. I’m not a good liar either, you know.

I don’t think you’ve ever needed to lie to me about anything, so I wouldn’t know.

I’m too lazy to be a liar. I don’t like keeping track of things that much.

It makes it too easy to be confused.

Right. And we both know I am already confused enough already.

Right.

In my next life, I am coming back as one of those total dicks who never second-guesses himself ever.

Reincarnation? Really? And you want to be a man?

Shut up. I don’t feel like being rational.

I noticed.

Well. Oh, I’ve got nothing. I’m not being rational. I am trying, wildly unsuccessfully, not to overthink something and go with my instincts. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I was being swept off my feet.

That doesn’t appear to be likely. When was the last time you even really talked?

I know, I know. I don’t think I have ever been less swept off my feet in my whole life. It would be kind of nice to have that happen, I think.

You deserve a grand gesture.

I don’t think I am the grand gesture type. I’m probably too cozy for grand gestures or something. A trip to the coast or something would be more my speed. Camping in a yurt.

You don’t even like camping.

A yurt wouldn’t really be camping. Just…someplace with no cell service or wi-fi. Quiet. With water. Maybe a balcony. OK. Not a yurt. A cabin.

What about a bar?

We can bring a cooler.

On your imaginary trip with someone who you aren’t really even quite talking to?

Maybe I should just go to the beach alone…I haven’t done that for years. It could be fun.

It sounds lonely.

Alone is not automatically lonely.

It is for me.

I kind of like it. At the beach it’s nice to have someone who can build a fire, though. I am afraid of fire, but I like to have a fire when I am at the beach.

Having been on fire could make a person a little nervous.

Once burned, twice shy.

That doesn’t just apply to actual fire, you know.

Oh, I know. I definitely know.

Hard to believe…

And I see newspapers, and a car in the carport,
And you’re a grownup and still unsure,
And I’m thirty, and I don’t know nothing no more.
–Everything But The Girl/25th of December

I can believe things that are true and things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not.
–Neil Gaiman/American Gods

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
― George Carlin

In my case, I am 50 and I know less and less every year.
I’m not convinced I will ever be a grownup and I have never been particularly sure of anything in my life. Well, I have always been sure of one thing–which I could be completely wrong about, but I persist in believing anyway in spite all evidence to the contrary.

So what does that even mean?

I know a lot of people who build their whole lives around things that they believe which I think they are completely wrong about.

My life is mine, theirs is theirs.

We each do what’s best for ourselves, or we try to anyway. We ask for advice from people we love, we get opinions. Sometimes we listen. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes, we make the wrong decision if we listen to our heart. Sometimes we do if we listen to even the best advice. No one knows what is best in every situation, and we are all sometimes wrong even if we have the best of intentions.

Most of the time, things work out the right way. For me, anyway. It seems like for other people, nothing ever does. That’s something I wonder about. Part of the very long list of things I wonder about.

Just add figuring out the balance between listening to your very infallible heart, your very infallible brain, or the advice of possibly more or less infallible people who love me to the list.

Me? I’m 50, and I don’t know nothing no more.

But I will try to believe in people, and it is a choice. It’s not something that comes easily to me. It’s something I fight with and argue with myself about.

If I’m going to be wrong about something, maybe I’d rather go down trusting than not. Maybe trusting something too much seems like a better character flaw to have than not trusting in anything at all.

It’s quite possible that I am very wrong. I have been before.

I will definitely be wrong again. It’s very likely that I’ll get hurt sometimes if I believe in people.

Maybe even a lot.

I’ll get hurt even more if I don’t believe in anyone or anything.

Saturday I’m in love, too

“I need to take a nap, but I don’t want to go to sleep.”

“Why not?”

“We’re having too much fun.”
–The Doctor

Fridays are awesome
Saturdays are awesome
I’ll just bet Sunday will be…awesome

Football Saturday. Early, early game. Late, late night beforehand.

The party gang was in rare form. Drinks until 0130, up at 0600. Bloody Marys and doctored coffee, then tailgating. They napped after tailgating and then we hit our neighborhood hangout for dinner and more drinks. I have officially surrendered at this point, but if those fuckers rally, they will go and get more beer.

None of the topics of conversation are even remotely appropriate for human ears. Vaginal cobwebs? Kyle’s cute little brown ears?

Somehow after the 2 long days of partying, whenever I look in the mirror instead of seeing my usual self there is a character straight out of “Barfly” looking at me. I need a vacation from weekends.

But we have so much fun!

Monday. Well, Monday will be good. I will miss people I won’t see for a while.
I suspect I won’t have to miss them for very long.

We girls have something to look forward to next weekend. It involves wine tasting. My liver is going to go on strike soon.

I am looking forward to the bye week.

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