Category: Words

I am having another excellent weekend after my two day work week.

At lunch on Friday, it occurred to me that the imaginary band that the Boys started should have a website. So I snagged the domain Ruinedmothers,com for it.

On Friday after work, I down to EUG and had drinks with a couple of my favorite men–Kyle and Rocky. Kind of a lot of them. Drinks, that is. Only 2 men. I suppose I didn’t need any more men than that. Those two are pretty great. Back to Kyle’s after for cigars and rehydration. Ice water.

Saturday, I hung out with my folks and while they watched football I started the Ruined Mothers website. And a Twitter feed. Every imaginary band should have a website.

Saturday night, with Rick and Chelle both in town, there may have been some more hijinks. Dinner and drinks at Sharkey’s again. We missed Kelly, with only two of the three Ruined Mothers there. Back to Kyle’s after with the Boys. More drinks. Stargazing. Music. Laughing. Up very, very late.

Thanks, Kyle.

You’re right, it is always fun when the whole crowd gets together.

We know the best people. I always feel very lucky to know all of you.

See you all next week at the tailgater. Then my seasonal Go Ducks focus will be back!

You can go the distance
You can run the mile
You can walk straight through hell with a smile
–Script/Hall of Fame

When I get into a workout kick, it is always cardio. I love the breathlessness, and the sweat, and the way you have to continually talk yourself into continuing.

While I was on vacation, I took some spin classes. I had completely forgotten how meditative an in gym cardio workout can be.

Now, bear with me a second. A lot of you are thinking that doing cardio is the most boring thing in the world. You are wrong. It is like meditation for me. I don’t get distracted by my surroundings. I don’t have to worry about traffic. I don’t have to watch where I put my feet so I don’t fall down. It’s just me, music and a spin bike or elliptical or whatever. I find spinning to be particularly meditative because you can get as much of a workout as you need right that minute.

Everyone who knows me knows how picky I am about music. That can be a problem, because in a spin class the instructor picks the tunes. That can be spectacularly awful or serendipitously great.

Or cathartic. I am not afraid to admit that I have gotten teary in spin class. Blame P!nk. I think the elevated heartrate and breathlessness make me more vulnerable to feeling whatever it is that I am feeling at the moment. Other people in class don’t seem to be responding in the same ways so that might be a quirk that is all mind.

Cardio does get me through hell with a smile, so maybe that is enough to expect.

You beat it in me, that part of you
But I’m gonna split us back in two
Tired of living in a cloud
If you’re gonna say shit now you’ll do it out loud
It’s 2:45 in the morning
And I’m putting myself on warning
–Elliot Smith/2:45 AM

For Elliot it was 2:45, but for me it’s almost always 3:00.
And 3:00 is a dark, lonely time if you are awake and alone.

It’s not like there’s a lot of company. Even if you are not alone in the house, at 3:00, you might as well be. There’s a reason it’s called the dead of night.

For me, 3:00 means I am at high risk for either writing shit that’s particularly depressing in my blog to try to figure out what is making my mind spin or (far worse) writing messages to other people wondering what their role in it is. I recently curtailed that avenue of expression, though, so now all I really have is writing depressing shit to myself or in the blog. I can’t even pretend to hope I am communicating with anyone at 0300 anymore, so now it seems a little darker than it might have been a month ago.

Being awake at 3:00 is kind of like being inside of a Pink Floyd song: is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me…

Writing something out at least sometimes leads to insight. Writing to people who don’t respond is just silly. If people are going to tell me their story, it’s not going to be because I thought of them in the dead of the night and sent them a message.

Well. I suppose if someone wanted to tell me their story, and I asked them to…they would. If they don’t want to, they won’t. 3:00 AM probably doesn’t really have anything to do with not getting what I ask for.

In the immortal words of Mammy, or was it Pork, in Gone With The Wind, when Scarlett sets out to ask Ashley for help getting the money to pay the taxes on Tara:

Askin’ ain’t gettin’.

Sometimes you talk, and people listen and respond. Other times, you might as well be talking to yourself. How persistent should you be when someone isn’t there? You can have all the faith and trust in them in the world, but at a certain point, you have to let go.

The Zen Dorks always say that we should never hold on to anything. I am not sure I agree with that completely. Especially at 3:00.

At 3:00, it is awfully nice to feel like you have someone who wants to hold on to you.

I write a lot about the middle of the night, it seems like. It’s a place I had only really experienced from the “staying up all night” side until recently. That isn’t the same middle of the night at all. This middle of the night appeared about a year ago, and doesn’t show any signs of leaving.

Quite the opposite. It’s settling in. I don’t really know if it’s because of a turbulent mind or age. At this point, it doesn’t bother me much any more. If I don’t go right back to sleep, I just get out my tablet and start scribbling. It’s quiet. There are no interruptions. If I was smart, I would start writing something..significant..during the middle of the night. It seems like I am more focused then, but that could be an illusion brought on by the lack of sleep.

Maybe the waking up is just an illusion.

Hmmm.

Based on the amount of writing I find in the morning, I am guessing not.

Or I could be writing in my sleep. That would explain some of my content..

I think I will go to sleep now and do some tests.