“Will you come again?” she asked.
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Then I will,” he said, turning to leave; and he did not know if either or both of them were lying.
–Helene Wecker/The Golum and the Jinni
I hate to lie. I feel guilty about it. I hate to keep track of it. Nothing about it feels good. It makes me wonder if people who tell lies do it unconsciously, because I can’t imagine doing something on purpose that would make me feel awful and and also possibly hurt someone.
Or possibly those people are just douche canoes who don’t even have enough of a soul to care if they are lying. Which I can’t understand, but hey–I don’t understand how anyone can like Country music either, and I have heard a lot of people do.
Of course, what’s tricky is that sometimes you twist the truth without meaning to lie, exactly. Maybe you act less interested in someone than you really are because you think they are not very interested in you? That is a common one. But the hitch is obvious. What if they are acting cool because you are? It’s the vicious circle of feigned disinterest. Someone has to be the brave one.
If first kisses depended on me, they would never happen.
What’s that got to do with anything?
Well, if you feel like kissing someone, and think maybe they’d enjoy it…should you just sack up and do it? Is it dishonest not to?
(Yes, it is kind of a miracle that I ever managed to ever have a date ever in my whole life.)
Dishonesty, even if it’s well intended, can back fire. Of course, so can honesty. You’re probably doomed no matter what you do, so you might as well be honest as not. Right? Right…
A friend dared me to watch the movie “the Notebook” last week, so I rented it. It was supposed to prove that I am not the indifferent bitch that I like to pretend I am. Naturally, it made me cry. I am as much of a romantic as anyone, so one scene in the movie stuck in my mind. The teen lovers were in an old mansion, and the girl was saying all the things she wanted–a wrap around porch, a room to paint in–and the boy promised her all those things. Of course, she breaks his heart, but years later he ends up buying and renovating that old mansion. Puts on the wraparound porch. And the room for her to paint in. Even though she is now engaged to someone else. She comes to see him and asks him why he did it and he said “because I promised.”
And that is what I want. Someone who promises me something. Someone who keeps the promise. Someone who loves me no matter what. Who yells at me if I waver and reminds me who he is. Who reminds me who I am. Someone who will be honest with me even if he knows it will end up in a fight. Someone who will not run. Or cave in because I am mad, or crying. Someone who will be open, and encourage me to be.
That simple thing.
Simple, but is it even possible with all of the daily small deceptions? All of the little shields? It’s pretty simple to break down the heavy defenses, but can two people break down all the little self protections at the same time with each other? Because it doesn’t work if only one person does.
There need to be two people with their shields down and they both have to want each other.
Simple is not easy.
And we wrap our feelings in so much armor that it’s amazing that anyone ever knows what anyone else feels. You can set the armor aside, but all it takes is one well placed blow to make you put it right back on. And the more open you are, the more it hurts.
If you don’t take the armor off, though, you don’t feel anything.
So.
There is risk and loss no matter what you choose.
And you can’t help hurting people sometimes.
Even if you love them.
But maybe you can be honest with them, and keep the shields down with each other even when it stings.
Is it only a theoretical possibility?
Maybe I will find out.
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