I somehow manage to piss people off all the time without meaning to…why can’t I ever be a jerk on purpose?
–Paddy
Me, too! Also, oh my gosh, I feel a blog coming over me.
–Me
It often feels like I have no control over the words that come out of my mouth. Almost as little control as I sometimes have over the food that goes into my mouth, though that is a story for another day.
It’s not that I ever say anything spectacularly horrible, but when the stars align I can be a little more of a razor than I care to be. Usually if I have gone into a conversation feeling a little hurt, dismissed, or vulnerable. Instead of tears, I defend myself with a slight edge of meanness. Without really meaning to.
OK tears, too, but that is a whole other thing.
I would love to be able to parse one of those conversations like they used to do in English class. Throw it up on a board and show each of us exactly where we went wrong.
Them: I might come up later. Maybe we can meet up if I do.
Me: Maybe when you decide, you can let me know and if I don’t have anything better to do, maybe I will say yes.
Nice, right? So what went wrong?
Well, to start with, for several reasons this is what I heard:
I might come up later, unless someone better happens to call, in which case I will obviously not want anything to do with you. Maybe we can meet up if I do, but don’t hold your breath because I would really rather do pretty much anything instead of meeting up with you. This is just a pity call anyway.
Holy subtext, Batman! Where the fuck did that come from?
Well, for starters I have a bit of a history with “maybe,” so “maybe” is a big trigger word for me. “Maybe” makes me feel like I am not worth setting aside time for. “Maybe” makes me feel like a runner-up. “Maybe” frequently ends up with me wasting time waiting for something that is never going to happen. This was a maybe wrapped in a possibly enclosed in another maybe. People who know me tend to know this about me. I love to be spontaneous. Just show up at my front door and I will smile and give you a big hug. I am also fond of having plans to look forward to.
Offer me a maybe? I will probably start by sheepishly mentioning I have a hard time with maybes. More maybes? I might start getting a little sharp in the tongue area. I won’t realize it.
How did my response translate?
Maybe when you decide, you can let me know and if I don’t have anything better to do, maybe I will say yes. I would love to see you. I wish you felt the same way about seeing me. I would love to have plans with you to look forward to instead of fighting about how likely you are to show up later and then being hurt when you don’t.
As it turns out, we got past the fight and agreed to probably meet up later that day and I never got a call either confirming or canceling for sure. For not the most convincingly good reason.
Maybe.
There is a reason it brings out the worst in me.
What does that have to do with being a jerk accidentally when you’re a fundamentally kind person?
Everyone has things that push their buttons. Most of us do pretty well with being kind most of the time to most people. It is really hard to do that in a situation where you care about someone, they know what those buttons are, and they are pushing them like a toddler in an elevator.
No one is responsible for anyone else’s feelings. Your feelings are your own. I was a jerk in this story. I admit it. I apologized. Sometimes, though, we could all use a little bit of compassion. A little bit of extra care. Not to tiptoe around our every whim, but to help us out when we are struggling.
Most people who care about us will try not to push those buttons, especially when they know we are under stress or just having a generally rough time.
I don’t think it is a sign of being in need of continual need of reassurance, but just being a human.
Sometimes to keep someone from accidentally being a jerk, all we need is for someone to show us they want us to be happy.
Maybe.
It isn’t so complicated.
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