Out of order

So one of the weird things that’s going on is that I am totally off balance. I am used to having my shit together, and I having some trouble with that. Worse, I am having trouble cutting myself slack about it.

It’s not like I am a wreck all the time. I’m not missing work. I’m not laying in bed crying all day. Mostly I am fine. A lot of the time, I am even happy.

It’s a bunch of small things.

Not being able to focus. Reading is difficult. Writing is just about impossible. Well, writing anything decent anyway. Remembering things I need to do. I’ll find myself in a room not remembering why I walked into it. I’ll find myself sitting on the edge of the bed just staring at the wall. I am still having trouble sleeping. I was trying to put together some simple paperwork and a basic budget, all the numbers just ran together and I ended up crying about it. Stupid. Something I could usually do in 15 minutes while standing on my head. It totally fucked me up.

And instead of accepting it, because this is all normal–I am in a stressful situation right now on several levels–I am kicking myself for not being in a better emotional state. I am should-ing and shouldn’t-ing myself about everything. What I eat or don’t eat. Not getting enough exercise. Not making an appointment to see a doctor. Not getting the faucet outside fixed. Watching a movie instead of going ice skating. Writing a message, deleting it, rewriting it, re deleting it instead of just picking up the phone.

I’m calling myself names again, too, and I was doing a hell of a lot better with that before. Not perfect, but good. Who does it help if I call myself a dumb ass? It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help anyone else. So why do it? Especially since it isn’t even true. I might fuck up sometimes, but I am certainly not a dumb ass. Except that I kind of am about some things.

Still.

Why is it so difficult for me to be nice to myself?

Can I expect anyone else to treat me well if I treat myself like this?

Yeah, yeah. I know the answer to that.

Is it OK to call myself a dumb ass when I act like I am an Emo 14’year old?

Still no?

I know, I know. Working on it.

Good days

Today did not begin in a way that seemed to indicate that it might be a good day. I was running late, and couldn’t find a travel mug for my coffee and had to put it in a sippy cup. A Lightning McQueen sippy cup, to be precise. It is hard to drink from a sippy cup. As I was walking out the back door into the garage, somehow I forgot that I am not able to pass through solid surfaces, and tried to walk out the back door without actually opening it. Yep. Walked right smack into the door. Didn’t even try to turn the knob.

At least my coffee didn’t spill, because it was in a sippy cup.

So getting into the car, I thought “this is going to be an interesting day.”

And it turned out to be just that. But in a great way.

Every morning, the tone for the day starts to be set pretty much at random by whatever songs pop up on my iPod on the way to work. All of the songs were good. All of the songs had positive associations.

And then I got to work. The wheels really wanted to fall off. They tried to all day, but for some reason my laugh was stronger than the bad work juju. We had one of the worst days ever, but for some reason it just slid off. My good mood was unshakeable.

Isn’t it great when that happens?

People were rude to me on the phone, and I turned their moods around. People called with unresolvable issues and I said “that’s easy, you just need to..” and people were amazed.

It was very busy all day, but things seemed to have a flow.

I went home in an even better mood than I was in at the start of the day. And then Chelle scooped me up for Shayla’s birthday. Again with the great people. Her family. Friends of her kids.

I talked to a friend of Tyson’s who is a baker. She was so in love with what she does that it was fantastic to hear her talk about it. Plus, her name is Xena and she is super cute. She was talking to me about this great book she read that talked about how you can become an expert at anything in 10,000 hours (“Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell) and then I told her about the DanPlan and how someone I know is putting the theory to the test with golf.

Great conversation. Great food. Great people. Great weather.

Great life.

Summer. Isn’t it great?

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Nothing to say

But it’s OK

It turned out to be a good day.
Crazy busy at work, but I kicked ass.
Enjoyed my first lemon slushy of the Summer. How is that possible? I love the brain freezing pain of the slushy beyond measure. I can’t believe I didn’t have one until mid-July!
I have another long weekend in front of me.
A couple of supernatural pulp novels to read.
Talking about renting a cabin at the beach next month for a few days.
Maybe a few days in Bend.
Maybe see some people I miss.

My life could definitely be worse here in the land of great beer and coffee.

Thanks, Life, the Universe and Everything. Especially for lemon slushies on hot days and ample vacation time.

Thank you for Time.

Lips curling up..I believe that is a smile starting…
Thanks for that, too.

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