An imaginary conversation about buying beer

I definitely know where to pick up guys with beards now.

You need to pick up guys with beards why?

I don’t need to. I already have one. But if I did, I found the mother lode.

And where is this treasure trove of bearded manliness located?

The growler fill store! I was the only female type person there and they all wanted to help me pick the best beer possible.

Right. That is what they wanted.

And they were hoping I would share it with them in bed.

What!?

Well, they were.

Of course they were, you’re adorable.

You’re not objective. I am older than they are.

Can adorable ever be objective? Maybe they think slightly older women are hot.

Maybe. Thanks for thinking I’m adorable even if it’s subjective.

You’re welcome.

Aren’t you going to ask me what we picked?

We? Really?

It was kind of a group decision.

How big was this group?

You’re jealous that random beer store guys helped me pick out an IPA?

No! Yes. Kind of.

Now that is adorable, and flattering too.

So, what did the horde of bearded admirers pick out for you?

It wasn’t quite a horde. There were three of them. A triumvirate of bearded beer geeks. You think I let them decide for me? I am nearly as beer geeky as any cute guy with a beard.

Good point. What did they propose? Wait, you didn’t mention that they were cute…

RPM, something from Lagunitas, and the Stone double IPA. If they weren’t cute, would I have mentioned them at all?

You never can resist a double or triple…and yes, you still would have mentioned them.

True. But I love Boneyard, too.

I know.

You’re right, though.

And you admit it? Wait, which part was I right about?

I always admit when you are right. I just don’t admit when I am wrong. And don’t raise your eyebrow at me.

Sorry. So RPM or Stone?

Stone. Want some?

I’ll get the glasses.







The bachelorette

For one of my weddings, some of my girlfriends held a bachelorette party for me in a sex shop. One of the presentations the staff did while we were there was a discussion of the various brands of lubricants suitable for use in anal sex. One of my friends was very interested and asked a lot of questions, so the demo went on for quite some time. It was certainly more information than I will personally ever need about anal sex.

In case you are wondering, the main lesson about anal lube is that thicker and slipperier is better.

For some reason, at the tattoo shop where I get my ink done, butt stuff is a frequent topic of discussion so at one point I told the story of the party and my friend’s intense interest in anal lube.

Everyone was being quiet and listening intently, which was a little unusual. Finally someone said, “I don’t think I am sexually naive, but I had no idea that there was lube specifically for butt sex.”

One of the artists said “Haven’t you ever heard of Asssstroglide?”
And then came the laughter and jokes of a raunchiness level I have rarely encountered.

It’s good being a catalyst for reprehensible language and behavior.

Eventually someone stopped and said “wait, wait–so did you get a gift certificate? What did you buy?”

So I told them I did get a gift certificate, and was looking at a particular electric toy with a Hitachi brand on it. One of my friends turned to me and said something like “my rice cooker is a Hitachi, and I’ve never had a bit of trouble with it. Reliability is important.”

So I got it.

Everyone at the tattoo shop agreed that you wouldn’t want to be let down at just the wrong moment so it’s important to buy quality products.

I still have it.

My friend was right. Hitachi is a very reliable brand.







Juicy, a dialogue taken from real life

“Why would you want the word juicy written across your ass? Particularly in pink velour?”

“If you do have a juicy ass, wouldn’t you want it to speak for itself?
If you don’t, would you really want people to be reading “juicy” and thinking “no, not really.””

“Maybe I should get “luscious” tattooed on my chest so people will know that I have a great rack.”

“No, no you shouldn’t. ”

So here’s what I wonder about in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep:
I wonder what, if anything, it says about a person that they feel compelled to highlight a certain part of their body. I’m certainly not exempt from it. Shoes. Eyeliner. A lot of cleavage. Tattoos, even. Words describing what is good about each of my favorite parts ? Not so much.

Maybe I prefer to let people draw their own conclusions about my body parts.

Or…

Maybe I don’t think any of them merit exclamation points.

Or…

Maybe I think the copious amounts of Ink are more than enough body decor.

Or…

I’d think about it more, but I have stuff to make.