Yeah, yeah, yeah

My elbow still hurts, but that isn’t really why I don’t have anything to post. I can’t blame it for not going to the gym, either. 

The real reason is because I have been socializing.  I was expecting to have plenty of time to finish a post after work and the gym, but instead I blew it all off.  I met someone after work, and had drinks and dinner– it was sort of impromptu. Then a friend got back from several days off grid, and I talked to him for a long time. Longer than I usually talk on the phone. Not that I didn’t enjoy it. I did. A lot. 

At this point, though, I do not have the ability to write and talk to people at the same time. I could stay up late and come up with something but it’s already midnight and I don’t. 

It was a good night. That will have to be enough. 
So. 
Yeah. 
This is all there is. 

A good night. 

Seems like plenty. 

An imaginary conversation about scaring the natives

Can I ask you something?

Oh god. 

It isn’t anything awful. 

You’ll ask anyway. 

True. Well. No. 

No?

No, I wouldn’t ask if you said no, but I’d be annoyed. 

Right. 

So are you going to answer, or would you rather annoy me?

Can I reserve the right to decide until after I hear the question?

I suppose that is fair. 

So, what’s the question?

Can you name some qualities about me that men I date would find good and bad?

Good? Smart, funny, likes football and other sports, spontaneous, can sing, likes good food, knows lots of interesting facts about stuff, beer…

I’ve had several guys tell me I seem great but they don’t date women who like football. What’s the bad?

Possible freak inducing qualities: very open about deep, dark thoughts… Might reference you in a blog that includes aforementioned thoughts… Lots of male friends… Laughs at just about everything, Cries about just about everything…

Crying I get, but why would laughing freak someone out?

You could be laughing at him. Men are sensitive about that. 

Huh. Good to know. 

Anything surprising to you other than that?

Not really. There have already been issues because I have male friends. 

Really?

Yeah. 

Why do you need to know?

Just curious. 

You don’t need to change yourself to attract men. 

I am not. I just wonder what freaks them out sometimes.  Thanks. 

You’re welcome. 

I’ve been thinking about it. You didn’t include that I am wordy and overthink everything. 

You’re arguing with my list?

No. Yes. A little. 

Fine. Add wordy, over-thinking and relentless to both pros and cons. 

Relentless?

You don’t think you are?

Well…

Seriously?

Yeah. You’re right I am. 

I’m right?

I am pretty good about saying when someone else is right. 

I’m going to let that pass.  

Thanks. 

Can I ask you a question now?

Of course!

Do you think maybe you are taking men’s reactions to you too personally?

Yes, probably. I try not to, but when the rejections come in multiples I do wonder. 

Maybe you should take a step back and just be happy without worrying about men and what they think about you. 

Maybe. But I like men. 

I know you do. Maybe you just need to focus on good stuff in your life. 

I do! That is why I keep stepping back from dating, when I start feeling jaded. It’s just…

What?

I have stuff I need to figure out about what is not going well, so I write about it. The stuff that is going well doesn’t need to get figured out. It’s already working. 

Just saying that a little more concentrating on the positive couldn’t hurt. 

You’re right. 

Twice in one night?

Hush up. One thing that I am definitely feeling very good about are all of my friends and family. 

You know good people. 

I definitely do. Present company included. 

Ditto. 

0200 Daniel Boone and the moon

Wake up at 0150 because I am female and fifty-one, and drenched in sweat. 

Get up and take a shower. 

Come back to bed, see a missed call from a cute guy. 

Why would someone call at 0124 and not leave a message?

Why would someone call at 0124 at all?

Still. Someone was thinking about me. Nice. 

Back to bed. Still too hot to sleep. Not *that* kind of hot. 

Start to read “Bird By Bird” and must recognize that I can see why it reminded someone of me. 

Annie Lamott talking about her early memories of reading and writing. 

I don’t remember the time before I knew how to read, but I do remember Daniel Boone. 

One of my first memories. 

Splayed out on the living room floor with a big orange Child Craft book that belonged to my father. 

Trying to read myself a story about Daniel Boone. 

Frustrated. 

I was so close to reading, and just couldn’t quite. 

And it knew that everything was in there. In the books. I needed to be able to read them. 

Three? Four?

Suddenly on the page, the word moon was there. 

It seemed huge on the page somehow.  

One second, just scrambled letters. Then so obvious. 

Moon. 

That is the first word I remember knowing how to read. 

Moon. Glowing like the actual moon in a story about Daniel Boone. 

Nothing could stop me then. 

I could read. 

Nothing can stop me now. 

I still do. 

In the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. 

When it’s only a few hours until 0525 and I will have to be up again. 

Insomnia doesn’t come without rewards. 

Like the moon, and words on a page. 

But now it’s almost 0300, and I should put away the moon and go to sleep. 

Goodnight, moon.