There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.
–Cyril Connolly
First off, I feel like I have to say that although I have known several people who have committed suicide, I don’t have anyone really close to me who has. So if this is a subject that is sensitive to you, I am sorry if it brings up feelings that are hard for you. This might be a blog you want to skip.
Why do I even want to write about it? I’m not suicidal. I have been, though. Oh, maybe not dangerously so. Maybe not imminently so. But there have been times where I have wanted very much to not be alive anymore.
Here is the thing, though: when you are depressed, you honestly believe that it would be better for everyone if you were dead. You believe that the people who love you would be better off. You really do. Fortunately, I was not so ill that my brain believed it enough to carry it out. A part of my brain still understood the pain it would cause my family. A lot of people are not as lucky.
Maybe I was braver than people who go through with it. Maybe I was less courageous for not doing it. It depends on your point of view.
What it did change forever is how I think about people who kill themselves.
In our world, we tend to see it as a selfish act. In some ways, it is. A depressed person is entirely self centered. But. It is a hard thing to explain to someone who has never been depressed, but in a lot of cases, you aren’t only thinking about ending your own pain. You are thinking that getting rid of the burden of your pain on other people would be good for them.
It is hard to explain how messed up your thought processes are to someone who has not experienced it.
Oh, and if anyone is worried–I am not currently even remotely suicidal.
I guess my point, if I have one at all, is that even though a suicide leaves behind a horrible emotional disaster, the person probably didn’t realize that would be the case. I’m not sure suicide says anything about a person except that they were in pain and only death seemed like it would end it.
In theory, I can even support that. The state of psychiatric care being what it is–lousy–a lot of people seek help which doesn’t, well, help. So then they have medical bills in addition to a desire to end their own life.
A suicide is so ill that the only thing they see anymore is the end of their sadness. They don’t see the devastating results their death will have on their friends and families. It’s hard for me to think of that as selfish, or cowardly. I think it must be the loneliest thing you can feel.
I hope in the end they have some peace, and that their families and friends can, too.
