Category: Words

The turn of the century…Uh…what?

Something occurred to me just now: the last time I was dating, it was at the turn of the century. The turn of the century. Is there a phrase that is more likely to make a person feel 114? It gave me visions of the transition between horse and buggies and the Model T. Ice boxes to electric refrigerators. Suffragettes in bloomers. Women starting to show a little ankle.

So after I was done screaming internally, I wondered about it.
It’s just a way to describe the passing of time, really, and the passing of time doesn’t bother me. Really.

Still, for whatever reason, the phrase doesn’t seem to fit the occasion for this century. Maybe because it was a new millennium. Maybe just because it’s a phrase meant for history books and old timers looking back.

But.

If I think about how quickly I got from 1963 to 2015, and how much more quickly time seems to pass with every year, I realize that I will be one of those old timers very shortly. I’m closer to geezerdom than adolescence.

Which is weird to think about given how young I feel. Or rather how much I feel like I am the same person regardless.

And in a lot of ways, most ways, I am looking forward to it. Swilling cocktails with my friends. Being raunchy. Going places I’ve never been. Doing things I’ve never done. Reading everything I can get my hands on. Writing shit down. Buying too much lipstick and eyeliner. Eating noodles for breakfast. Wondering if I have coffee.

Wondering about everything.

Not much different than now.

Bring it on, Time.

An imaginary conversation about TV habits

Don’t you think it’s weird that people always say they never watch TV?

Always never?

Right.

Some people really don’t watch TV. I hardly ever do, outside of football season.

You watch old movies all the time.

Does that count?

Do you watch them on your TV?

Sure, but they’re usually streamed.

I think that counts.

I guess I think of TV as broadcast shows, sports, that sort of thing.

If your TV is on, and you are looking at it, you are watching TV.

If you say so.

I do.

So why does it bug you when people say they don’t watch?

It’s snobby. It’s fake. It’s pretentious.

Ah. Even if it’s true?

Especially if it’s true.

Wow. I had no idea you felt this way.

Well I do.

So…

So?

Well…

Oh. Yeah. I think you are kind of snobby and pretentious.

Ouch.

Sorry.

No, it’s a fair assessment.

So you aren’t offended?

By truth in reporting your feelings? Nah.

That is a relief.

Keep that in mind the next time I point out why I think you are behaving like a douche.

A reasonable request.

I hope you don’t think I am unreasonable as a general rule…

No, no.

Oh, good. So would you ever date someone who says she never watches TV?

I’m dating you, aren’t I?

You are?

I’m not?

There will now be an awkward pause…

We aren’t dating??

I don’t think so. Let’s just skip over that part. So you would date someone who says she never watches TV?

No. Not if she says never. You don’t say never. You say not very often. Women who say never suck.

No, they just have other things to do. Like go out. Train for marathons. Learn about rocket science.

No they don’t.

They don’t?

No. They sit around all day and feel superior to TV watchers.

I think you might be a little harsh in that assessment. I didn’t have a TV for several years. No, I guess I had one…but it was a 13″ screen.

THIRTEEN?

Yep. And no cable.

What point is there in having a TV that small?

If I wanted to watch a movie, I could put in a video or DVD.

Oh, it was back in the day!

Sure. Late 90’s.

It was probably someone’s bedroom TV.

Maybe.

Are you sure we aren’t dating?

Pretty sure.

Why not?

Have we ever made out?

No.

Have you ever taken me to dinner someplace where we had to look nice?

No.

When we’ve spent the night in the same place, have you ever tried to sneak into my bed?

No.

Did you want to?

Well…

No, right?

Well…

We aren’t dating.

Of course not, you’re too snobby for me.

Now you’re being a douche.

Sorry.

Do you even WANT to date me?

I guess not, now that you bring it up.

Then it’s all fine.

An imaginary conversation about a first meeting

How will I recognize you?

You’ve seen several pictures of me. I’ll look like the person in my pictures, and I am wearing black today.

You and half the city

True. Look for the colorful chest.

I thought you were coming straight from work?

I am–so?

Are you going to put on a plunging neckline for the occasion? Maybe it’s a stereotype, but IT is not generally known for cleavage.

No. Oh. Well. I tend to border on the inappropriate a lot of the time as far as exposed bosom in the workplace goes.

So noted.

I hope that isn’t a problem for you?

No, no–I’m in favor of boobs.

Good. See you at 4:30.

Looking forward to meeting you.

Remind me to tell you about the time my Director put her hand down my shirt in front of two of our VPs and pointed out to them how colorful my chest is.

I think you just did.

Damn. Now what will we talk about?

Oh, there are lots of things. We’ve already covered boobs, but we still haven’t discussed books, beds or blowjobs.

Or tattoos.

We’ll sort of. In the context of boobs.

What if I got tattoos of books on my boobs?

You’d be the perfect woman.

Perfection is a lofty goal…

You’d be nearly perfect. Better?

Better. How will I recognize you?

I’ll be the one trying not to stare at your chest.

That might not narrow it down very much.

It’s sexy that you are aware of how good looking you are.

It’s not so much that as it is that I know that a tattooed chest draws a lot of attention. Anyway. It’s true that I am kind of cute. Will you be hard to recognize?

You’ve also seen pictures. I look a little like Woody Allen with dark hair and eyes. Levi’s and a plaid shirt.

And nerd glasses.

Right.

See you in a little while.