Category: Words

It’s all in the name…

Oh, online dating.

How do I love the? Well, I do not love thee at all.
There are useful elements to thee, however, which I shall not and cannot deny.

For one thing, the user names provide me with endless entertainment. Sorry for all of you who have been getting them messaged to you all week. They are funny! It is difficult for me not to message the ones who seem relatively literate and inquire about how well they do getting people to spring for casual sex with someone based on their online profile and horny user name.

At least these types of names make it clear what you are getting. The ones that fool you have normal user names like SteveInPDX_28. Then you wade through a fairly well written profile that makes you think they seem sane and funny. And then it’s there. At the end. How they like to wear diapers and eat pudding while you spank them. OK, I made that one up.

Here are just a few of the actual user names:

(null)

Shit, I’ve just realized that these names are Google-able. Hmm. Replacing them with a picture of them. Weird. Still. It’s more for me than for them.

Any way.

Wading through the options. Don’t worry, Mom. It won’t be Tingler or the pudding guy.

An imaginary conversation about talking in your sleep

You say the nicest things when you’re not even aware you’re talking..I wish you were that sweet when you’re fully conscious.

What?

Like when you’re just about asleep. Or just about passed out.

Wouldn’t I remember?

I don’t know. I don’t think so. You’ve said you want to spend your whole life with me a few times.

I have?

Yep.

When I asleep?

Sort of.

How do you know I was talking to you?

You were talking about me, not to me.

Who was I talking to?

Your brother, I think, sometimes. Or people at work.

What did I say?

That you loved me, but you were afraid you’d fuck up. That you wanted to be with me, but didn’t want to lose me.

I don’t remember.

I know. Sometimes you talk about work, then you talk about me. Like you’re talking to someone on the phone.

Why don’t you wake me up?

It’s the only time you say such nice things about me.

I say nice things to you sometimes!

You do…but not as nice as the things you say when you’re out of it.

Like what?

Once you said ” she doesn’t even know how I feel. I can’t tell her, she won’t believe me.” You were arguing with someone. I think that time it was your brother. Another time it seemed more like you were telling someone about me.

Whole conversations?

More or less. Mumbled a little, and interwoven with random stuff. I try not to read anything into it. I mean, if there was something you wanted me to know, wouldn’t you tell me?

I don’t know.

I do. You wouldn’t.

Eventually I probably would.

Why eventually and not now? Or in a week?

That’s a good question.

Bok. Bok. Bok.

I’m not a chicken. I’m just not ready.

You may never be.

Maybe not.

I wonder.

Me too.

An imaginary conversation about nerves

Tomorrow is going to be a long day at work.

It must be crazy with the upgrade coming up.

No, in my team we’ll actually be busier after the upgrade. I suppose everyone will be.

So why will it be a long day?

Nerves. I’m supposed to have one of those things…you know…where you go out with someone.

A date?

Is that what it’s called?

I think so.

I’ll Google it later.

Where are you going on this thing that might be a date?

That is where the nerves come into play.

It’ll be fine. It’s just a few hours.

Right. If it happens.

I don’t think I have ever met someone so worried about being stood up before.

It’s a legitimate concern, and it happens a lot.

Things come up for people–stop looking at me like that, it’s true.

Yes. Things come up. And we have these things we carry around with us. They are used to communicate. We can talk to each other with them or send messages.

That is true.

It’s being stood up I object to. Not someone calling to tell me they need to reschedule.

Has this guy done that before?

No. I haven’t actually met him yet.

Don’t you think you should give him the benefit of the doubt? He probably won’t stand you up.

No, but he hasn’t confirmed the time and place either.

That is a bit of a concern. Maybe you should check with him. And you’re giving me that look again. Why?

Because I tried that. No reply. So there’s a bit of concern.

Don’t let it get to you.

Oh, I’m not. I’ll just be irritated if I brush my hair for nothing.

The people at work will appreciate it.

The people at work will be too busy noticing my workplace inappropriate cleavage to pay any attention to the hair.

Is cleavage appropriate on a first date?

Cleavage is always appropriate.

Well, it’s appreciated by the men you work with I’m sure.

It’s a good thing something is!