Category: Words

Anna: But, lucky you, it’s-it’s just me.
Hans: Just you?
–Frozen

Conceal, don’t feel..
Don’t feel, don’t feel, don’t feel.
–Elsa/Frozen

I had a dream that I was fine
I wasn’t crazy, I was divine
–Lana Del Rey/I Can Fly

There are not many movies that bring up emotional responses like Disney movies. People ding them for the whole princess-happily-ever-after thing, but there’s a lot of real stuff in fairy tales, too.

Like locking yourself in a tower of your own creation.
Closing doors against the people you love.
Caging up your true self.
Hiding your inner truth.
Undervaluing yourself.
Hate.
Envy.
Lies.
Sadness.
Death.

Big stuff.

You don’t think Disney shows life’s deeper side? Let’s watch Bambi and see who cries when his mother gets killed. Right. I thought so. Even the most hardened tough guys cry when Bambi is orphaned. Disney might over do the happy endings, but the movies never shy away from the hard stuff.

Today I saw two movies, both turned out to be about hiding your true self and not recognizing your own true value.

Frozen and Big Eyes.

Only one of them is a fairy tale. The other is biographical. Both are about girls or women who don’t recognize their true worth, who lock themselves away to hide their gifts but who manage to overcome their issues in the end.

In the case of Frozen, a princess with the power of Winter locks herself away to protect her family, shunning her little sister and not telling her why. Eventually she runs away and locks herself into a palace of ice thinking it is for everyone’s good. She doesn’t realize that in running away she has thrown her kingdom into perpetual Winter and doomed her sister. Love is what saves them. For once, though, it isn’t the love of a prince or even a man, but the love of family. Sisters saving each other. The lesson being that love is more important than everything else and love can save you.

In Big Eyes, the woman goes along with fraud in order to placate her husband. She locks herself in her studio painting, never revealing that the paintings her husband is making millions of dollars selling are hers. She locks out her friends and daughter to keep from revealing the secret. She eventually finds the courage to leave her him, but only manages to find the courage to reveal her truth after finding religion. And of course, her gift is the somewhat dubious talent of painting the big-eyed waifs that creeped everyone out in the 60’s. A less satisfying ending to me, because it seems like the message is that she couldn’t quite manage to help herself without divine intervention.

The thing that struck me in both movies was that people get themselves into all sorts of trouble when they don’t recognize their own worth, and when they hide who they really are. I might not be able to create my own palace made of ice to lock myself into, but I have definitely been adept at closing doors and freezing myself out of things. Like in the movies, I needed help to recognize what was wrong and to start un thawing. People had to point me in the direction of recognizing that I am great the way I am and deserve to be treated well now. Not if I am prettier, or less demanding or more something or less something else. Now. The way I am.

I am not “just me” any more than a friend is ever “just a friend.”

Of course, I don’t recognize it all the time, not really…but I am getting there, a little at a time. I backslide a lot. At least now I notice, and catch myself.
If I don’t, there are people who love me who remind me that the only thing wrong with me is that I am human and make mistakes sometimes.

It’s not like I’ve defrauded anyone or cast my kingdom into eternal winter or anything major. No ice palaces or closed doors for me any more if I can help it.

Thank goodness I love in the real world.
Know what, that was a typo and I am letting it stand. I live and love in the real world.

Fairy tales are too harsh for me.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.
–R. Blane-H. Martin/Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

As I get into bed and start writing, it’s just before midnight on Christmas Eve. Christmas starts in a couple of minutes.

I’ve been out with Paddy and some of his friends for drinks, then to dinner at the Ringside with Paddy and a small plastic snowman. Yes, we brought our own decor to dinner. Paddy borrowed him from my house unbeknownst to me.

I don’t really know quite what to say about this Christmas. It’s been a hard year. There has been a lot of loss. A lot of change. It’s my first Christmas on my own for a long time. Even though it has been difficult, the changes have turned out to be good. In a lot of ways I am happier than I ever have been. Sadder in some ways. Maybe just feeling things more than I have for a long time. Finally.

I’ve gotten to know some people better, including myself. I have learned that I have a kick ass group of people in my life. People who make me laugh. People who go on trips with me. People who make music with me. People who have my back. People who love me. People who I love right back.

So I don’t really have any Christmas wisdom to share.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t think I have any of the answers. I don’t even know if I will make it to the end of this post without crying.

I’ll just keep it simple:

Merry Christmas, everybody.

I love you.

PS
Paddy and Chelle, you two get a special mention because you have kept my head on more or less straight through some really rough days. You have listened to me, given me advice I have disregarded over and over and never once told me I was behaving like a total idiot. Which I was. You are both kind, smart, funny and generous beyond all reason. Rick, you also get a shoutout for putting up with me all Summer and being the world’s best glass filler.

Paddy, I also owe you for encouraging me to find my voice again. Thank you doesn’t seem like quite enough. I can’t say I am glad about the circumstances that led us to become such good friends, but I am awfully glad we did.