We are we are we are we are the Order of the Fork
And each and every one of us will stick it to the rest of us
We are we are we are we are the Order of the Fork–Camp Song
When I am faced with a person or situation which annoys me, I will often say that it makes me want to poke them in the eye with a fork. If they irritate me a lot, it’s a hot fork. I thought I’d share some of the people who irritate me, and assign a fork-scale to the level of provocation.
Full disclosure: I don’t actually ever poke anyone in the eye. Not even without a fork. It’s like when I say I’m going to open a vein when a situation is endlessly upsetting. It’s a rhetorical blood letting and a rhetorical fork.
Oooh. Rhetorical Fork would be a good band name!
Additional disclosure: sometimes the person I want to poke in the eye the most is myself.
So here’s the Fork Scale of Irritation:
Cold fork = Eh, I’d poke them in the eye, but not very hard. Mildly annoying. Maybe I’d just roll my eyes at them instead. Just barely worth a poke in the eye.
Fork, without a modifier = they irritate me plenty.
Molten fork = There is no way they could ever be poked hard enough to appease my annoyance. Maybe I would even prefer to use a pitchfork.
Dick Cheney. Molten
This dude is evil. No, he’s Evil. Pronounced eeee-ville like Vincent Price. He shot a buddy in the face and didn’t think that called for an apology. He can’t possibly be a human being. He has to be a really poorly executed android. A prototype for simulating human feelings gone horribly wrong. I’d poke him in the eye with a red-hot fork and then knee him in the groin just for fun. Wearing spiked knee pads. I just do not care for the man.
People who never shut up. Fork
There was someone I used to work with who I had to ask to please stop talking on an almost daily basis. She never did. She was completely oblivious to non-verbal cues such as sobbing, and banging my head on the desk. I always had to ask her to stop talking, generally after she asked me if I was mad at her. To make things worse, she was at her chattiest first thing in the morning. Before I was caffeinated. When I don’t even like to talk to myself. It was like being in a mesh enclosure with 1000 house flies. They don’t hurt you, but OHMYGODPLEASESTOPTHEBUZZINGPLEASE. Or maybe I should have just gotten a fly swatter.
Taylor Swift/Avril Lavigne. Cold
Do they really think no one has noticed that they are the same person?
Fred Meyer stores that have been remodeled. Fork
Clearly usability was not part of the plan for these remodels. They’ve staggered the aisles to cause increased cart congestion at twice the number of places that had it previously. They’ve also rearranged the entire store for maximum inability to find products. The aisles are of full of sobbing families who can’t find the bread and even if they knew where it was, they wouldn’t be able to get past the piles of burning shopping carts to get there. The plan was apparently to increase sales by preventing people from ever being able to leave the stores. Kudos.