Little triggers that you pull with your tongue
Little triggers, I don’t wanna be hung up, strung up
When you don’t call up
–Elvis Costello/Little TriggersSometimes I phone you when I know you’re not lonely
But I always disconnect it in time
–Elvis Costello/No Action
There is always one person in a relationship who has at least a little more power than the other. In my case, typically it’s the person who isn’t me. No, wait. That isn’t true. It’s often the person who feels the most vulnerable. That’s often me, but not always. There have been a few relationships where I wasn’t particularly invested emotionally. I suppose I was the one with the most power, because I didn’t care as much what happened. So if he didn’t call? Shrug. I was supposed to call and forgot? Shrug.
It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that there’s a little bit of a difference. One person is bound to have more money or social status. One person is bound to care more. It’s inevitable. It’s really only problem if I you don’t just accept it or if the power relationship is used in an abusive way. When you think everything should be…well…when you start throwing shoulds around can that ever be a good thing? It’s not necessarily a bad thing that one person cares a little more. Most of the time, it is fine. It just is. If one of the person has more money/political/social power? Not an automatic problem.
When one person has the power and uses it to take advantage of the other it’s never OK. Having more power, of whatever sort, should not be an “it’s OK for me to be a douchenozzle” card. Unfortunately that is sometimes how the less powerful partner acts. And when they do, both partners are wrong. One for being a douche, and the other for being a doormat. The ones who tend to be douches seem to have radar for doormats in the same way that the physically abusive ones seem to attract the ones who will tolerate being hit. Part training, part isolation I suppose.
It’s not static, either. Who has the power changes in a healthy relationship. Job changes, shifts in how the relationship feels to both people..maybe an inheritance. A lot goes into the dynamic. It might be as simple as one person having something the other wants.
And so what?
Well. I dunno. Just thinking aloud.
It’s getting late, I’m getting tired. I’ve just taken a dose of codeine, and I’m sleepy, so I have a head full of ideas with no logic to process them.
Today I got to spend time with people who I love. Tomorrow I get to do that again.
It makes me wonder.
But what doesn’t?