This has been an excellent week for the sarcastic, foul mouthed fat people of the world. Suck it, goody two shoes.
First, I read a story somewhere last weekend that indicates that there’s yet another study which shows that dark chocolate is good for you. Then later that same day, a story debunking the link between saturated fats and heart disease. I even read the story from several reputable sources. This cheese loving omnivore was particularly happy to hear about sat fat no longer being evil.
Then, I read a blurb on Twitter about a new book out by ABC news-dude Dan Harris. It’s called “10% Happier.” The mini-review talked about it as a book on mindfulness/meditation for the sarcastic. As someone who is interested in mindfulness and meditation and struggles to get through the atrocious word salad published by the big names in the field (Deepak and Ekhart? Yeah, I mean you) I was intrigued enough to buy it. And it was not only a fun read, but mocked the gurus for the very same things I struggled with–following a really great, simple point with several pages of semi-psychotic mystical bullshit, for instance.
It was the self-help for smart asses book that I’ve been looking for! If you’re interested in meditation, but put off by the “woo-woo” around it, check it out.
What else, what else….I know there was more.
Oh! Cursing!
We all know how I love profanity. We all know how I struggle with positive self-talk and shit like daily affirmations. Because who the fuck talks like that? No one! I can’t deal with daily affirmations that don’t sound like me. Know what? The Internet now says it’s fine if your mantras sound like you. As it turns out, “Give yourself a fucking break” doesn’t suck as a mantra at all. This is such good news, because I was never going to go even partially Stuart Smalley.
Finally, my personal favorite–there was a joyful sound heard in NW Portland when I read this. It was my soul laughing. Internet, or at least the portion of it at Time magazine, says that tequila will help me lose weight. TEQUILA WILL HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT, Y’ALL. TEQUILA! I’m not excited about that at all. No, I’m not worried that I’m fat now in spite of all the tequila I already drink because THINK HOW FAT I WOULD BE WITHOUT THE TEQUILA. No, I’m not worried that the study was done by Mexican researchers who may or may not be in the pockets of the tequila industry. Don’t be a hater. Let me drink my fucking tequila and believe it’s making me thinner. While we’re at it, maybe it’s making me look younger too.
Ahem.
Maybe I should calm down a little.
NO, you know what I should do?
I should give myself a fucking break. That’s what I should fucking do.
And then I should have a shot of tequila.