I have trouble knowing when I’ve had enough.
Food. Drink. information. Togetherness. Whatever.
Actually, that’s not quite true–i am usually well aware of when I’ve had too much togetherness. My mental state starts to fray pretty dramatically when I overdose on company.
I don’t think I’m a very balanced person in general. I tend to skew intense. I tend to skew obsessive. I tend to skew all in or all out.
I suck at many of the things that normal, civilized people do every day: chatting, remembering to brush my hair, not staring at people, pretending that I am paying attention. It makes for fun times in meetings, where I am as likely as not to answer a question with “I’m sorry, I was watching that squirrel over there and didn’t hear what you said.”
And even though there are aspects of my lack of balance that I work on, like a tendency to be negative, and not pay attention in meetings, I am not particularly motivated to become less intense or obsessive. It’s my character. If I change it, I would be someone else. Or so I like to think.
Actually, I’m not really even all that inclined to work on the daydreaming. I suspect that if I stop daydreaming and start focusing, I will turn into a monster. I don’t have a stitch of empirical evidence for that though. I mean, I’ve never turned into a monster. It’s a theory. Some people think it probably isn’t very likely. Other people think that it’s not that fucking hard to pay attention in meetings, and I should have to do it like everyone else.
But…
Well..
I keep going back to that theory about turning into someone else (or a monster) and so I stay the same.
Which makes me wonder what it is that makes us uniquely us. I don’t really believe in a soul, exactly, but I do think it’s the closest term for our ‘me’.
It probably doesn’t matter what we call it though.
Much.
Everyone probably has a bit of a list of what makes up their self. Character. Brains. Humor. Looks. Some people probably wouldn’t count looks. Some people think we have a soul that lives both before and after our physical bodies. Some think it’s only here while we’re alive, and then goes off into some sort of after life. Some people don’t think we have a soul at all, but there’s still clearly something there that makes us all individuals. What?
My theory is that it’s just part of the bio-chemical soup that makes us up. “Just” being immensely complicated, and pretty miraculous and unlikely. The whole universe seems sort of unlikely to me. Unlikely in a way that’s explained by a Creation theory? No. Unlikely in a way that defies either a religious or chaos theory of creation. I have no idea how we got here. Why there are dogs. Why poppies have furry stems. Evolution, sure. But that each of us ended up just exactly like we are? I don’t think it could have been planned.
Of course, this has nothing at all to do with the way I have trouble recognizing the concept of enough. Does it?
I certainly don’t recognize when I’ve gone beyond the limits of a possibly allowable tangent and right onto some other topic entirely.
Well. I start out wondering about something. Then I wonder about something else. Eventually I am a long way from where I started and sometimes there isn’t a way back.
Will I edit?
Will I stop?
One thing I know I won’t do is have a shot of tequila. For once, I recognize that I have already had enough tequila this week.
Huh. Maybe I am capable of learning after all…