Author: Michelle

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.

–Paulo Coelho

The last time I was single, I went out with this guy a couple of times. Drinks. Super casual.  He was a nice enough guy, but at least for me it was a totally friendly thing. Nary a spark.

At the time, I was blogging every day. I mentioned it to him in passing at one point, and he decided to read my entire blog from beginning to end. He asked me to make some changes to the web site so he could do that, and I added an archive that let him find posts by date.

At the time, there were well over 700 posts. It was a substantial commitment to make. Most of the people who actually know me haven’t read it. I certainly didn’t think that he would!

It was weird.

It was flattering.

Mostly it was weird.

Weirdly flattering?

Someone thought I was cool enough to spend a lot of time learning more about me.

We met for drinks once or twice in the interim. He reported his progress via IM. He commented about the writing, about the content of specific posts. He got to know me pretty well, if you can get to know someone by reading what they write about.  He was taking his self-assigned commitment very seriously. By the time he let me know he’d  finished reading every post, I knew he was not right for me as even a friend, and he said he was in love with me and he also knew I would never feel the same way about him.

He was a very nice person, but one of those sort of self-sabotaging, snake-bit people. Always getting in his own way professionally and personally. Always embroiled in some  crisis at least partially of his own making. Not very good at making choices for himself.

I think he even told me that he knew it would never work out, which saved me from having to figure out how to say it.

And I thought, well, yeah. Of course. That is exactly how love is, sometimes.

Love can be a bitch goddess who delights in nothing more than to kick you right in the teeth.

Love could have just not thrown me in his path at all.

Love could have given him something for his effort.

Love doesn’t work that way.

I think we have all had relationships like that, where we love someone knowing it will never work out. All the sparks in the world, but you can’t have a civil conversation. All the civil conversation in the world, but sparks are lacking. Balance in love is just as hard as it is with everything else.

That, and sometimes love is just whatever it is. Messy. Complicated. Simple. Strong. Fragile. Permanent. Transitory. Sometimes it’s something that’s right for a period of your life, and then you move on. Exactly what you need or exactly the wrong thing. It’s not equitable or fair. Generous. Cruel. Patient. Unkind.

It’s a lot of things, but it is not at all like a box of chocolates, even if you really don’t ever know what you’re going to get.

I don’t like to whine (actually, I do kind of like to whine) but there are times in a life when I feel like I’m having some sort of limits testing done. This is one of those times.

Pending lay-offs at work,  after having finally gotten past an abusive co-worker situation? Check.

A state of limbo in one or more aspects of work? Uh-huh.

A relationship ending? Check. Amicably, but still. It always sucks.

Issues or stress with one or more other relationships? Even positive stress? Check, and check.

An ill person in the house? Let me get past the puke and see if he’s sick. Yep. He’s sick. Guess  that whole packing thing will have to wait.

Weather trouble? Portland and weather drama just go hand in hand.

Movers rescheduling? Yep. See weather drama. It’s already bad enough to need  them in the first place, but then both movers and packing assistants disappeared when the snow started to fall.

Issues with household appliances. Fucking washing machine. Just when I’ve got a  person generating tons of laundry, too.

A lack of focus in all aspects of life? Pretty much. I currently have the attention span of a gnat with an under-developed frontal cortex. Do gnats have frontal cortexes? What is the plural of cortex? Seriously. This is how my brain works right now. Please don’t trust me to plan anything important.

Failing a test at work? Yep. And I do not fail tests.

I am supposed to be eating sensibly, so my normal stress relieving BBQ potato chips are off the menu.

Most importantly: my favorite eyeliner pencil needs to be sharpened and I can’t find the sharpener. Why do I only have one sharpener? What is wrong with me?

A person with so much craptasticness going on might tend to lose her sense of humor about life. Even this person.  My generally bullet proof sense of humor is pretty tattered at the moment.

Silver linings, there’s got to be one. There always is.

Well…let’s see.  The sun is out. I have a new book. I’ve been blogging again (which is, I know, a silver lining only for myself).  One of my favorite people in the world had disappeared for a long time but came back around. The bedroom carpets needed to be professionally cleaned after the movers come anyway. The snow is melting, at least here in Tigard. I have friends who are trying valiantly to cheer me up. I found the bleach and was able to bleach every surface in the house. I do have health insurance at the moment which will pay for any psychiatric care I might need if the barrage of badness continues.

Could it be worse?  I don’t have leprosy, cancer or heart disease. No dysentery. That’s not a challenge to the Universe though. I could really use a break at this point. I like to think I am pretty much unbreakable, but I’m not sure how much more I can take before I start to develop some serious cracks.

January and February can suck a bag of dicks. A huge bag of dicks. I am ready for Spring.