There comes a time when you swim or sink
So I jumped in the drink
‘Cause I couldn’t make myself clearMaybe I wrote in invisible ink
Oh, I’ve tried to think
How I could have made it appear
–Aimee Mann/Invisible Ink
I wanted to be seen.
That was absolutely true. All performers–all humans–want to be seen; it’s a basic need.
Even the shy ones who don’t want to be looked at.
–Amanda Palmer/The Art of Asking
Last weekend I was at a football game. I have season tickets, so I sit in the same seat every week. A lot of the same people sit around me. I usually smile and say hello when I sit down. I yell a lot during the games. I occupy space like everyone. More than some people. I’m large, I jump up and down. I feel like I am pretty conspicuous.
On Saturday, I happened to come in with a pocket full of Jell-O shots and gave some to the people behind me. The ones who have been there all season. The man sitting next to them, who has also been there all season said “where have you been all year?”
I was right where I always am during a game. In my seat.
I was a little non-plussed. I mean, I am not the kind of person who launches into conversations with people. I’m on the shy side. On the other hand, I ‘m not a withdrawn ogre who snarls. I look people in the eye. I smile. I high five after great plays.
I am not invisible to the human eye.
Right? I’m not.
Hello, hello, hello?
Is there anybody in there?
To be fair, it’s not like I have given anyone around me my life story. They haven’t given me theirs, either.
And it’s not like I can’t make an effort to be more outgoing, except. Except.
I hate it. I really hate it.
It isn’t because I am afraid of rejection in this case–talking to the people around me at a football game is very low risk. They aren’t going to tell me I am too fat to talk about our defense with. I am not too old or ugly to exchange a high five with.
There is a point between smiling and saying hello and anything else where I feel like I am pretending to be someone I am not. Where it isn’t genuine. Where maybe I’m just masquerading as someone outgoing. It seems deceitful.
Later, when I mentioned the guy’s remark to a friend, he kind of rolled his eyes at me and said:
“The guy was probably just referring to the Jell-O shots and not talking about you at all.”
Ohhhhhhh. Uh. Yeah. Right.
He kind of was.
Never mind.