Take me out to the ball game
Take me out with the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks
I don’t care if I never get back–J.Norworth/Take Me Out To The Ballgame
Mark has the World Series on, and I’m just going to come right out and say it: I do not like baseball. No, not even when the World Series is on. If someone happens to drag me to a baseball game on a warm Summer evening, I don’t mind too much. There’s beer and hotdogs. You can chat with your friends in the sun. Throw peanuts.
But on TV? No. No. No.
What do I find so objectionable about it?
Everything, pretty much.
The spitting. I don’t like spitting in any sport, but it baseball the spitting is out of fucking control. Sitting and watching any closeup shots of the dugout is just unbearable. They must have to put the cleaning crew in hazmat suits. That’s a lot of sputum from a lot of countries where drug resistant TB is rampant. Just. Ewwww.
The slow pace. You can tell me the game is full of nuance and strategy all you want. I’m still bored.
The uniforms. I hear women talk about how sexy they are, and I do NOT get it. They make all of the men wearing them look like fat oafs. I’m pretty sure they aren’t really fat oafs, but those pants sure don’t do them any justice!
The scraggly beards. Baseball players have got to be the most unattractive of all the professional athletes between the goat beards and the hideous pants. Make them shave. Or at least trim their beards so they don’t look like they have a bad case of the mange.
The interminable length of some of the games. If it goes past 12 innings, they need to flip a coin or something. I’m going to bed.
An excessive number of games. They play what seems like 95 games a week for about 7 months out of the year. And the same teams play night after night. Play 2 games a week for 3 or 4 months and call it good. No one will care. ***
The destruction of the 7th inning stretch. They have obviously caused far more serious geo-political havoc, but did you know that Al-Qaeda have ruined the 7th inning stretch, too? Nothing against “God Bless America,” but the song you are supposed to sing is “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” Sing the national anthem at the beginning of the game. You don’t need the entire game to be a continuous salute to America. It’s a sports event.
And don’t try to call me a Commie because I don’t like it. That doesn’t work anymore–half the players are Cuban. Commies DO like baseball.
The caps are cute though. Who doesn’t like a baseball cap?
***Note: I was concerned that I might have inadvertently exaggerated the length of the season, so I looked it up and I have not. The regular season is 26 weeks long. For those of you who are as math impaired as I am, that is half the year. Tack on the post season and that is 4 months too much baseball.