She broke down and let me in
Made me see where I’ve been
Been down one time
Been down two times
I’m never going back again
-Fleetwood Mac/Never Going Back AgainToday I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
they’ve come to take me home.”
–Peter Gabriel/Solsbury Hill
There are different ways of going home. To a place, to a person, to a feeling. To a positive or negative physical or emotional space. We can go away willingly, reluctantly or even by force. We can run away.
Sometimes you walk away
Or maybe run
Sometimes it’s a plane ride
So far away
You can’t look back from there
It doesn’t really work though. You have to work out the issues from home before you find your own. Sometimes you do have to leave, but just leaving isn’t all there is to it. It’s very easy to end up with the same sort of dysfunction you ran away from if you don’t work out how to heal. If you just shove everything away, you don’t heal and you don’t learn how to forgive and move on. You just think you move on.
The good kind of home stays with you even if you are not physically there, if you’ve been lucky enough to ever have it. The space where people love you, where people let you be who you are, and try to keep you safe.
If you don’t have that kind of place, or that kind of people, you have to find them on your own. Have to. I think that’s accurate. It’s a need, not just a want. You can be independent and solitary, but for most of us the heart wants a home. Not only a place to live, but a sense of belonging. Not being owned or controlled, but being loved and accepted. Understood. Recognized.
You probably need to find peace within yourself before you can find a home anywhere or with anyone.
Kind of a dirty trick.
Catch-22-ish.