Small victories…so very small…

What does it say about a person that there are times when the victories in life need to be measured with a micrometer?  Yes, I am the person. It’s my blog, of course I am the person.

What does it mean if my major victory of the last several weeks is just getting through them at all?

What if sometimes my victory of the day was making it out of bed to the couch?

What if my victory was not curling up in a ball and wailing? Much.

It’s been that kind of a year overall, and the last two weeks have been particularly brutal both professionally and personally.

I’ve been dumped. I’ve watched my colleagues and friends at work get laid off. I’m still waiting to find out if I’ll share their fate. I’ve been sick not once, but twice. I failed a professional certification test. I feel battered, depressed and powerless. I have the focus of a gnat. Not even an adult gnat. A toddler gnat. I’m not sleeping. There have been days when I have been almost entirely without a sense of humor. I know things are grim when my sense of humor goes. It is the most robust thing about me.

Am I taking steps to get past it?  Well, yes. I’ve actually been handling things fairly productively considering that I would really love to be curled up in the fetal position. I’ve had one meeting with a life coach/career counselor and another scheduled. I have also met with a psychologist to verify that my emotional responses are not totally out of line with reality. She concurred that life is being a bitch to me right now and I’m responding normally.  In fact, she was pretty impressed that I was making it through this without either bourbon or potato chips. Yay, me!

I’ve also made several contingency plans for handling possible future poverty, I’ve updated my resume, I’ve cut back on expenses and I’m saving as much money as I can in case I need it later.  My diet is (mostly) healthy.

Still.

I am a ball of stress and anxiety, and anxiety isn’t really one of my usual issues. I overthink things all the time, but it’s more recreational. I enjoy thinking, but this is a different thing. It’s a sick to the stomach kind of feeling. I don’t get that. Ever. So I’m trying to remember that my shoulders do not belong up by my ears, and that there are simple steps I can take as many times a day as I need to in order to make sure that doesn’t happen. At least not very much.

What’s  that? I can use my mantra. I’m still having some trouble remembering to use my mantra when I need it.

My mantra? Have you all forgotten what my mantra is?

Repeat after me–it works for anyone:

GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING BREAK.

(and breathe)

I just added the part about breathing. It felt a little stale with just the yelling part.

What could I be doing better? I am all about continuous fucking quality improvement even in this time of misery.

I could be getting more exercise. A lot more exercise. To that end, I will set up one of the spare bedrooms as a little gym this weekend. And use it. I will also be better about going for at least one walk while I am at work. Getting closer to Spring will help both because the additional light will make me feel better and because it will make going for a walk less of a raindrop avoidance task. I was going to do it last weekend, but being sick intervened.

I could be reaching out to my friends more. Why is it that when we really need the support of our friends, we feel like we’re bothering them and fall out of touch? That’s what I do, anyway. Probably because I feel like I’m boring and whiny, and who wants to be around someone who’s boring and whiny? MY FRIENDS DO!  Right? You do, because you’re awesome! So I’ll try to do better. Yeah. I’m a lot more likely to get more exercise…

Work-wise, I need to start studying for another professional certification so I can get that done before any possible unemployment ensues. Testing is already scheduled because what I need in my life is MORE FUCKING PRESSURE. Sigh.

Lastly, I need to take some time to get a creative workspace set up again. I’ll probably feel better with a saw in my hand.

What? Don’t you?

 

I did have an actual victory today, which is that I did manage to pass my Epic Inpatient CE exam. Barely. It should have been easy, but apparently toddler gnats don’t test as well as I usually do.

Late addition:  yet another victory today. I found a boot that I lost last week. It was in the laundry hamper. Because of course where else would it be?