Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
–REM/Losing My ReligionWhere you going…? Where’s everybody going…?
Rose/The Rose
When a relationship with someone ends, it doesn’t seem like I ever really figure out why. It has a more dramatic impact when it’s a lover, I suppose, but it could be a friend.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a dramatic falling out with anyone. The kind with slamming doors and shouting. I’ve had threats of suicides, Cara Michelle letters and my heart broken very unexpectedly in person. I’ve had friends and lovers just sort of fade away from me slowly.
Often, if there’s some sort of breakup event, there’s a reason given. But it isn’t necessarily an honest reason, I don’t think. At least when I’m the one doing the breaking up. In my case I’ve always tended to attempt to be kind, which tends to make honesty difficult. I’m not sure that’s even possible. I assume that when I’ve been the one left, there’s been just as little honesty.
That bothers me.
I always wonder what it was. I always wonder what my slip up was. What I did. It must always be something I did, or that’s what my head tells me. Was there too much of something or not enough? Maybe if I knew, I could correct it.
Logically, of course, I know I’m being absurd.
What would I really do if someone said I was too fat or too needy or not good enough? Or if his friends didn’t like me? Would it serve any purpose?
Probably not.
Still.
I always wonder what really happened.
When I was younger, I wondered…excessively. Now it’s more of a passing wish
The most unusual reason I ever got for someone not wanting to see me again was when I was single in the late 90’s. At the time, i belonged to an online dating site. One time, I exchanged about a million emails and phone calls with a guy who it just seemed like a bad idea to go out with in person. He wasn’t quite divorced yet. He had a little kid. He had red hair. He was way too young. He was polyamorous. Just not right for me in many important ways. But, he was super smart, and really funny and we got along quite well on the phone. So we decided to meet for a drink and then go see a movie. A Troma film, as I recall. We created a dating review form that we would fill out at the end of the date, and then open at home. Because we were both tired of not really knowing what the other person thought. We agreed that we would email each other the next morning with our verdict.
It was a great idea.
We gave each other excellent reviews.
We saw each other again, and had an amazing time. We arranged to go out again in a few days. He said he’d call and let me know a specific time. I didn’t hear back. A girlfriend wanted to get together that same afternoon, so I sent him an email to see what time he wanted to meet, and got the full “what date, there was no date, we said maybe we’d see each other on Saturday” treatment. I didn’t write him off entirely, but was very careful the next time we made plans to make sure it was definite.
Another amazing time.
We made plans to go on a hike the next weekend. Then I got an email indicating that he wasn’t going to be able to see me anymore because he was going to try to make things work with the hot lesbian girl he’d stood me up for previously. (Hey! You said we didn’t really have plans!)
I asked him if he had considered what it meant that she said she was a lesbian. He said she was pretty flexible. (That’s usually called bisexual–how old is this girl? Oh. 18. Are you sure she’s 18? Yeah, check her ID or ask when she graduated or something. I’m serious. I’m pretty sure your friend Christopher Robin’s date the other night was NOT legal. Yes, I had a good time too. No, I’m not kidding about the ID.)
It’s probably the only time I’ve ever been given an honest reason for someone not wanting to see me any more. The lure of hot sex with a bisexual girl 20 years younger than me was irresistible. I always like him for it, even if it was a large-ish blow to my ego.
So, if we’re ever involved in a relationship which you want to end, please don’t tell me you’re leaving me for a lesbian. It’s already been done.
It’s also a lot better than the “it’s not you, it’s me” type of breakups. I could have really used a post-breakup assessment form back in the day.
It would have saved me a lot of wondering.