When I want something and I don’t want to pay for it,
I walk right through the door.
–Jane’s Addiction/Been Caught Stealing
Once upon a time I had this boyfriend. We broke up.
I was not happy about it. I tried to hang on to him, pathetically, by offering various sexual acts. Well, mostly the same one. Never mind which. I can’t really blame the guy for taking advantage of the offers any time he was in between girlfriends. Not a lot of guys of a certain age would be willing to turn someone down, and he didn’t. I imagine he felt like he was getting something for nothing. He probably had no clue about how I felt about it, and I certainly have no clue if there was any sort of emotional toll on him from it.
I didn’t think it had any sort of emotional cost to me at the time, either, but I was wrong. It gradually wore away the little self confidence and self respect I had. And, again–I do not blame him. I offered. He accepted. He didn’t do anything wrong. Eventually, something happened that made me angry enough to tell him I never wanted to see him again. It wasn’t true, but I knew I needed to say it.
He complied with my wishes. I hoped he wouldn’t, but I needed him to. Maybe that cost him something. Maybe he was relieved. I have no idea.
Everything you choose to do in life has some sort of cost associated with it. Sometimes you know what the cost will be ahead of time. Sometimes you don’t. The cost might be financial, but it’s just as likely to be physical or emotional.
I know pretty much what the physical cost will be if I drink 6 shots of tequila in an evening. I might not sleep very well. I’ll probably be a little sluggish the next morning, but I’ll feel fine. If I drink 10, I’ll probably puke, fall down and wish I was dead the next day. I normally drink accordingly.
Financially, If I only have $100 to make it to payday, I probably won’t buy that $400 pair of boots I’m in love with. I know what they cost, and I know ahead of time that I can’t afford it. It’s not terribly complicated to figure out financial and physical cost. It’s not always easy to choose wisely, but it is pretty simple.
Emotional cost is so much harder. For one thing, you are more likely not to know what the cost will be. You can trust someone who turns out to be fantastic, fall in love, be married for 60 years and have a wonderful family. Or. You can trust someone who turns out to be Charles Manson, kill someone else’s family together and end up in prison. Different costs.
You have to figure out how much of yourself you can afford to give, and if someone deserves it.
And when to stop.
If to stop.
And all without even knowing what the costs have been or will continue to be.
Each situation has to be navigated on its own, and there’s never a price sheet posted.
It’s all a balancing act, and I think we’ve all noticed by now that balance is not one of my native talents.
So I’ll keep trying to figure it out.
I don’t think I ever really will.
I’m not sure I’m even supposed to.
I think I’m supposed to just keep working on it.