Caterpillar. Chrysalis. Butterfly
Girl. Woman. Bitch. Crone.
Catalyst. Change. Catharsis
Or something.
I was having an incompetent feeling day for no reason in particular. I did my job well enough. Did some writing that largely sucked appropriately enough for the subject matter. All day, though, this mass of depressing stupid loser energy hung over me like my own personal Addams Family cloud.
At some point, though, don’t you think I should figure out what the fuck it is that I want? You read about living your dream, living your passion, but I haven’t ever really had one.
Well, that was an angry start. I started this a while ago and then left it orphaned because I didn’t feel like dealing with how negative I was feeling, but picked it back up again because I have been thinking about change transformation improvement alteration a lot lately.
As always, change requires some sort of catalyst. It might be something you see, or read. It could be a person or something you want. It could even be something that happens to someone you care about, or something that almost happens. A close call.
But I have never been much of a planned change person. Well. I guess my divorce was planned. Does that count? There was a catalyst, then my brain went into overdrive, and then there was a change.
I have been an emotional fraidy cat for my whole life. Oh, I’ll pick up and move at the drop of a hat. I’ll fuck someone I don’t know or ingest any substance someone offers me that promises to divert me. Go to Burning Man with a total stranger. Move to France with no money and no return ticket. Tell someone what I think in a non-work capacity? No fucking way. Or not very many people anyway.
Telling someone how I feel is far more frightening to me than putting my physical body and well being at risk. Crazy, yes? Crazy enough.
My trustingness thingie was broken long ago. It’s been under repair since 1979, but it’s gradually gotten better over the last few years. Forgiveness will do that.
Of course, there’s also the very frightening reality of change. It can be wonderful or disastrous.
I guess I will find out.
I guess we all do.