Yes I know there ain’t no finish line, I know this never ends
But I’m just learning how to fall, climb back up again
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new
–Everclear/Learning How To Smile
Once upon a time, there was a girl. Eventually that girl turned into me. Or maybe she still is in the process of becoming me, I’m not sure.
I was always a smart girl, even before I started school. In High School, I turned into a Smart Girl. Not a Hot Girl, though I was pretty. Not a Funny Girl, though I’m told I was funny. Not a Sporty Girl, although…OK. I wasn’t a bit athletic. They got that one right. I was just a Smart Girl and a Shy Girl. To some, probably a Smart Girl and a Snobby Girl. It’s totally fine to be a Smart Girl when you’re in Elementary school, and a wonderful thing to be as an adult, but it is not a way to have a lot of fun in High School unless you’re a lot more well adjusted and socially inclined than I was.
And isn’t fun what High Schools is mostly about? Not learning?
I mean, sure, there’s learning that goes on. Scholastic learning. Life lesson learning. Sexual learning. But it’s all encircled with stuff that’s supposed to be fun. And for a lot of us, it just wasn’t. I kind of glossed over the sexual learning part. Close your eyes, Mom. That part was fun. Even for a Smart Girl. If only there had been more learning opportunities for a Smart Girl in that part of the curriculum.
As an adult, I find that my friends are divided into two groups when it comes to High School: the ones who thought it was the best time of their life, and the ones who couldn’t wait for it to be behind them. I fall into the “hated it” camp. Firmly. I was an emotional and hormonal basket case from age 15 on. I disliked myself and I didn’t have a particularly high opinion of anyone else either. I was very open to absorbing anyone’s negative opinion of me. High school enhanced every one of my negative tendencies, and didn’t create any good new ones that I can think of. When I talk about those days with friends now, it sounds like I had a better time than I thought I did. It also seems like I had a lot more boyfriends than I thought I did. Maybe it’s just that only one or two were important.
But what did I actually learn in High School? Sure I learned Spanish and French, but the thing that stuck with me the longest is how I learned to dislike myself. I learned how to pretend to be happy almost well enough to fool myself but probably not well enough to fool anyone else. I learned that I didn’t have to work as hard as most people to get better grades than they did. I learned to fake things both emotionally and intellectually. That lesson probably took the longest of anything to unlearn. I’m still trying to unlearn it completely. In retrospect, it seems like a lot of the things I learned in High School had to be unlearned.
Wasn’t there anything good about High School? The one good thing about it turned out to be the people, though I didn’t realize it then. I had a few very good friends then, but I also met a lot of really great people who I only learned to appreciate and love later on. You know who you are, too, because although I didn’t learn much in High School, life did eventually teach me to look for the good in people and to tell people when I love them.
If you’ve made it this far, it’s quite possible you’re one of them.