And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?
–Train/Drops of Jupiter
I was talking to a friend who joked about my use of a double negative. Using a negative to say something positive.
“Is it enough to not be unkind?”
In the context of what I was saying, it was a good linguistic choice, but I’m noticing that I do it when I talk about myself all the time:
“I am not un-attractive.”
Can’t I just say I’m attractive?
Why do I have to not be unsomething?
What internal issue keeps me from saying “I am” instead of “I am not?”
I don’t want to define myself in negative space. It’s like I am devaluing myself. Not like I am. I am.
Uh. Like that.
It’s very hard for me, obviously.
Why, I wonder?
Some things are easier. I’m smart.
I don’t feel a need to squiggle around when I talk about my brain. It’s a good brain. I use it a lot. Of course, I have had continual reinforcement of it’s excellence over the years. I’ve always been a smart girl, although I haven’t always seen the value in it. Maybe that’s why I can compliment myself on it. I don’t value it?
I think I do.
I have a much harder time making a complimentary statement about my looks. I would have to modify any positive statement about how I look. Partly because I don’t think it should be important. Partly because maybe I don’t really believe any positive statement about the way I look. Maybe it’s just humble bragging. Maybe all of the above.
Can I be vain and completely devoid of self-esteem about the same aspect of myself? Yep.
Can I choose how other people see me? Of course not. I can’t choose how they talk about me, either. I have little to no control over other people except in voicing a preference if they say or do something I don’t like.
I do, however, theoretically control what I say and what I think. Oh, it feels like I have no control over what I think. I guess I can’t stop thoughts beginning to poke into my brain. But I can certainly stop them rooting there, right? If I choose to.
That’s the thing. If. If I choose. I choose.
And how depressing is it to realize that I don’t have to think anything negative or even un-positive, about myself or anyone else if I don’t choose to?
It’s very depressing. Because I haven’t stopped doing it. Even though I have full control over it.
What does that say about me, I wonder?
For a start, it says that now that I’ve noticed it, I have to do something about it. It’s a good thing I’m so smart. That’ll make it easier.
Cue the laugh track…