Get your tail out of my nose. Some of us are trying to sleep in.
Squeeeek.
There is food in your dish. Go and eat it and leave me alone.
Squeak.
Shut up. You do, too.
Peep.
(Throws stupid cat on floor…one hour later he is back)
Purrrrrrrrrrrr. Head butt. Purrrrrrrrrrr.
Go away, Ratty. Remember what I said about sleeping? It’s still true.
Purrrrrrr
I don’t need a cat to lay on my head right now. Go away and be quiet. (Shoves cat to foot of bed)
(Stupid cat puts his wet cat nose on my (still trying to sleep) nose and breathes intently.)
A certain cat is going to be living outside permanently if he doesn’t get away from me with his icky cat nose. Do something useful. Make me some coffee.
Squeak.
Stupid rat.
(Boops me on the nose with his paw)
Goodbye, Kitty. (Kitty lands on the floor with a loud thump and stomps down the hall in a huff.) Little cat feet my ass.
Mrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I hate cats.
(Clomp, clomp, clomp back to the bedroom like a herd of elephants with giant walkers and wooden clogs) Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Jumps on headboard, stalks back and forth like a very rotund miniature tuxedo lion)
Shut up and lay down.
(Jumps from headboard onto pillow, walks down my entire body, flings himself dramatically into an elegant position and promptly goes to sleep)
Fucker. You could have at least brought me the coffee. I hate cats. I am going to stay home all day today and poke you with a stick every time you fall asleep or even look like you are about to sit down. No! I am going to go to the pound and get the most irritating dog in the world to be on your ass night and day. I don’t care if I never sleep again. Making you suffer will be worth it (scritching Kitty under the chin) Asshole. Stop being cute. You aren’t impressing anyone.