In your world, I have no meaning
Though I’m trying hard to understand
And it’s my heart that’s breaking
Down this long distance line
But I ain’t missing you at all.
–John Waite/Missing YouAt this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
–Tracy Chapman/At This Point In My Life
I always feel a bit like a consolation prize with men. It comes from having been willing to settle for being that for too long, I guess.
Having been the runner up, or the pinch hitter so many times…or as I have been known to put it when I am in a really bad place “the gash he sticks it in when he has no one better to do,” it can be hard for me not to just let that be how things are with everyone. It is what I am used to. It’s my discomfort zone.
I don’t feel like I am anyone’s main prize. I’m never the trophy. I’m the one who will do if there isn’t anyone better available.
Everyone wants to be the trophy for someone. The person they want to be with more than anyone else. The one they can’t wait to tell about that funny thing that just happened. The one they would do anything for if only she would smile at them. They one they can’t keep their hands off of.
Being an eternal consolation prize is not a great thing to have to admit, even to myself. It’s demeaning. It’s not like I’ve asked for anything better. Well, I have asked…but I have accepted so much less. I have been willing to setting for nothing, essentially.
Like patterns of behavior tend to be, It has been hard for me to break out of it. Particularly with the people who were there when the pattern was established. In order to establish new patterns, there are some things you need. You have to realize it is a pattern and want to change it. And even then you might need to just stop being around the person who you had that sort of relationship with.
It is nearly impossible to create new patterns with the same old people, even if both of you want to. Ever been around people who’ve been to rehab? They always recommend that both of the people stop drinking/drugging at the same time, or it doesn’t work. I would bet that other habits are similar. You don’t do well trying to eat a healthy diet in a house full of junk food. You don’t decide you deserve better treatment and expect the person who treated you indifferently to change their ways. Why? Because your disfunction benefits him.
They’ll also tell you it’s your problem if you are not happy, and they won’t be entirely wrong.
You can only change your side.
The thing that makes it harder than it really needs to be, I think, is that some people are really good at making you feel like you are being unreasonable for asking for more. Especially if you tend to feel that way already.
There are a lot of reasons they can give for not spending time with you…it’s too soon…you’re being needy…you’re overly dramatic…you expect too much…they aren’t ready to commit…they really want to see you but they’re too busy…or you hurt their feelings by not trusting them. Any of those things is a reason for avoiding you. Naturally, you aren’t so needy or unappealing to them that they won’t fuck you when they are in between girlfriends, or bored, or horny or lonely.
And all you are trying to do is be open about how you feel. You are trying to trust them, the way they insist you should, but your brain says that their actions and their words are clashing. You wish they would just tell you the truth so you can move on, because you are trying so hard to believe them that you really need to hear it from them. You don’t believe anything you say to yourself.
It gets harder and harder to trust yourself the more you try to trust them instead.
You are left with the feeling that you just aren’t good enough to be the one. You aren’t pretty enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Thin enough. Funny enough. Anything enough.
Being a consolation prize is toxic. It undermines everything you think is true with everything you wish was. It makes you feel like your feelings don’t matter. It makes you feel like your feelings are wrong. It makes you feel like if you were different–better–then things would be different. It makes you feel like if you just keep being patient, things will change.
So when you find out there is someone else, again, there is someone else every time–and of course it won’t be because they tell you themselves–instead of being broken up about it, you’re mostly just relieved that you don’t have to pretend to yourself that they care anymore. Even though a big part of you will always know that they do.
If they cared about you, they would be less worried about themselves and more worried about you and your feelings. They wouldn’t be defensive if you asked questions. They would be honest even if it meant they wouldn’t get a blow job.
Because someone who really cherished your relationship the way they say they do would not treat you like that. Someone who cherished your relationship would treat you like you matter. It’s pretty simple.
Why is it so hard to realize what is so obvious in retrospect?
Because no one wants to admit, even to themselves, that they might be wrong about people they care about. It doesn’t matter if it is a friend or a lover.
Admitting that not only were you wrong, but you were also complicit with what happened because you didn’t want to hear what your brain was saying is hard. It’s especially hard when you are trying to be open to listening to what your heart says instead of only your head. When you are trying so hard to be trusting and vulnerable and you have trusted the wrong people again.
It is the hardest thing to admit that your heart is wrong.
And sometimes it is.
Forgive, let go and be happy.
Keep your heart and your mind wide open, stay vulnerable, stay honest with yourself and others. Don’t let an occasional error in judgement impact how you react to others. Keep being who you are. Get a little Stuart Smalley on yourself if you have to.
Don’t forget to include yourself in the forgiveness.
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Note to self: don’t think that I didn’t notice that switch between first person and second person. You can try to depersonalize this if it makes it easier to think about, but you are still who we are talking about here. You. Me. Bah. Whatever.
First person or second person, emotionally naked remains emotionally naked.