You know what I would like to know?
What?
How do you even know when you’re on a date and not just out with a friend of the opposite sex?
Seriously?
I’m a dating dumb ass. Humor me.
Are you making out at some point after you’ve spent time together?
No.
Then you aren’t dating, you’re out with a friend.
Oh.
You sound disappointed.
A little bit, but mostly I just miss making out.
You should start dating then.
Noooooo. It’s too grim and scary and scary. And scary.
Really? Scary three times? It isn’t that bad.
Is too. How would you know, anyway?
Stop pouting. Guys do not like pouting.
Can’t I just be friends with someone and have sex with him sometimes?
Some people do…
It worked for me in the 80’s. I’m not hot now though.
You’ll do.
That is quite an endorsement. I will put that on my online dating profile.
Are you on an online dating site?
No, but it seems inevitable.
Why?
Because I am friends with all the single men I know and they aren’t interested.
Are you sure?
That they are single?
No, are you sure that they aren’t interested!
Yes. No. I don’t know. How the fuck would I know? I used to be able to tell, but now I am just confused.
What’s changed?
My interest detector is all uncalibrated. People say they are interested but don’t do anything to show it and it throws me off.
Like what?
Like asking me out, or calling me or trying to stick their hand up my skirt. The usual.
You may not be sufficiently evolved to date.
I worry about that.
Of course you do. You worry about weirder shit than anyone I know. Anyway. If someone says they are interested and then doesn’t even try to make plans to spend time with you, there is a good chance he isn’t all that interested.
It would be easier if people would just say what they mean. I hate guessing. I am really bad at it.
I know what you mean.
Maybe I should just pick a new mantra. One specific to dating and being single.
You have a mantra?
Yeah. I had to have one in fat camp, remember?
Oh, right. “Give yourself a fucking break.”
Good memory!
Thanks.
Maybe I need one for dating.
Like what?
I know what needs to be driven into my brain…
What?
“He’s just not that into you.”
You understand what a positive affirmation is about, right?
I need something that’s more of an affirmation of reality.
I’m sure someone is into you.
Like who?
I don’t know, but if there isn’t anyone now, there will be. You’re pretty cool.
Am I?
You are.
Huh.
You ARE.
Then why doesn’t anyone want to stick his hands up my skirt?
Maybe you should have a date first.
“He’s just not that into me.”
Who??
Whoever. It’s a rhetorical affirmation.
What?
Oh my God, you’re weird.
I’m hoping someone will describe it as “interesting.”
Good luck with that.
All I want is someone who is not just willing to see me occasionally, but is actually excited about it. Someone who tries to see me as often as possible. Someone who does dumb little things to make me smile because he likes me to be happy. It’s not too much, is it?
No, sweetie. It isn’t. You deserve that.
Remind me of that once in a while.
Deal.