I probably think about what happened more than I should.
About what?
I have last words on my mind. You know there was that thing last week. That really shitty thing that someone said to me.
Why are you thinking about it at all? It was shitty.
Right. It was. It was a kick in the guts, for sure.
It’s not like you weren’t expecting it.
What??? I absolutely wasn’t expecting it.
Why not?
Because he hasn’t ever said anything awful before…
He’s done shitty things all along.
Well. No.
Yes.
Disagree.
You’re nuts. Or more masochistic than you should be.
No.
Yes.
This was different.
No it wasn’t. You displeased the king, and he let you know.
No.
Yes.
He misinterpreted what I said. Or just assumed intent that I didn’t have.
Because he is a dick.
No.
Yes.
NO. He isn’t.
He said you make him sick. On what planet would that ever be OK??
None. None. None. But..
Seriously? What excuse could there possibly be?
I don’t want that to be the last thing we ever say to each other. That would suck.
He sucks.
No.
Yes.
No. Really. No. I don’t know why, but I don’t believe it. There is some reason.
No there isn’t. He is a cocksucker. Don’t overthink it. Judge by his actions.
But…
What! He has been a dick all along. Why are you making excuses for it?
I don’t know. Because. Because it seems like there must be something I don’t know.
You don’t know that he is a dick.
No.
Yes.
I don’t think he is. I know he is acting like one. It’s really pretty indisputable based on his actions.
So why are you still thinking about it?
Because it is important to me. I can’t stand the thought that the last words that we will ever say to each other are so awful.
But that is what he said. You can’t argue that.
No. I can’t. But did he mean it?
Why are you so sure he didn’t?
I am not. I don’t trust him. He has been unkind to me. He’s stood me up more than once. He has just disappeared for weeks at a time. He has acted like I am his own personal consolation prize…
So why are you giving it any thought at all?
Because. I don’t know. Because I really, really want to believe that he cares.
You have no basis for that. At all.
No, I don’t. Except for what he says, and I admit that I can’t trust him. But still. It is what I believe.
I don’t get it.
Me either. No one else gets these second, third, twentieth chances. No one.
Rightfully so.
Maybe. I don’t know. It’s what I think though.
Why is there even a scrap of doubt in your head about this?
Because I knew him when he used to be a Real Boy. And the Real Boy would never do anything to hurt me. Not on purpose. It isn’t my head. It’s my heart.
That was a long time ago.
I know. Still. I worry that the Real Boy is in there.
He doesn’t worry about you. Not even one tiny bit.
It sure doesn’t feel like he does. Still. There is something there, and it is really important to me.
There is NOT.
I just can’t bring myself to believe it, but I probably need to.
Definitely.
All I know is that those would suck as last words.
He should never have said them.
But he did. The words are out there now.
He can’t take them back.
And he won’t apologize. He thinks I deserve it.
He is a dick.
No. He just plays one on TV.
If he cared about you, he would be more empathetic.
Empathetic is not one of his attributes.
That’s an understatement.
Look–I don’t think I can explain it. Even to myself. What he said was completely unacceptable. Completely. I can forgive it, but not accept it…but I hate that those words would be the end. There has to be some more gracious way. Some way to salvage something. This is important.
Only to you.
I hope not. I don’t think so. I hope it isn’t all in my head.
You are just going to end up getting hurt.
I already am hurt. I would rather be hurt than find out later that there was some reason for all of this shit.
You are grasping at straws. Let it go.
I am. I am, but I need to know that I am letting go for the right reasons.