The unfair thing about people who fuck you over is this:
Even though I am making so much progress in being more open and more trusting of people, and even though most people haven’t done a damn thing to earn the slightest bit of doubt from me, and even though certain people have demonstrated more than amply that they completely deserve my trust in them, when someone I care about has poked holes in my trust, then that doubt bleeds over into my other relationships.
I don’t want it to. I hate that it does. Like it or not, though, it is there in the background waiting to pounce on me when I’m not expecting it.
I can catch it when it happens and recognize it as a trap. I can put the distrust back in its cage, mostly. Still…if someone gets a little quiet with me, or doesn’t get back to me when I invite them to do something, or if they cancel plans we have…for at least a second I get the sting of “oh, no…it’s happening again.”
It doesn’t matter who it is. Friend. Lover. Family.
When someone hurts you, when they break your trust, they leave you with triggers and hidden fuses.
Fear. Doubt.
And it sucks. It does.
Then I have to back myself out of that corner. I have to take steps to get past that feeling. I have to remind myself that what happened with one person doesn’t make everyone else untrustworthy. That it only makes that one person untrustworthy.
It makes me angry.
Why angry? Because at that point, when I am full of hurt and doubt toward someone who doesn’t deserve it, the person who was less than truthful to me, the person who stood me up over and over, the person who couldn’t quite be there all the way, is right there again. Getting headspace that is completely undeserved. It’s like my own version of Nelson from the Simpsons pointing at me and going “ha-ha.”
So I do what I can to not freak out, but it annoys me that the triggers are even there in the first place. All I can do is try to explain why I react the way I do, and hope people understand. Or I can pretend I am fine, which might be less likely to result in someone thinking I am being needlessly dramatic.
The pretending I am fine thing is pretty much out. I am trying to be more communicative and honest, not less.
The question is, or maybe it’s more of a dilemma: what to I hope to gain by letting people know what my emotional triggers are? Does that mean I expect people to make a note of all of my issues and tap dance around them constantly?
No. I don’t expect people do do anything in particular except demonstrate some level of understanding and empathy. Bonus points if they are willing to avoid doing things that I have issues with, like letting me know they are going camping for a few days and won’t be in touch (instead of just suddenly being incommunicado) in the same way I would try to be considerate of their issues. For instance if you are a clean freak, I will try a little harder not to leave a mess when I am with you.
It’s like having a stain that I just can’t quite manage to scrub out of the carpet. One of those ones that keep coming up to the surface over and over. Sort of like dog piss. I can keep scrubbing and scrubbing. It will look fine for a while, but the stain will keep resurfacing over and over. With enough scrubbing eventually it will get fainter, but will the stain ever go away completely?
Do they have Stanley Steamer for emotional triggers?
Can I get dogs to quit pissing on my emotional carpet entirely?
Would going to hard wood help?