Category: Imaginary Conversation

It made me a little sad to read that you found me intimidating.

Not you. Singing with you. You know I don’t find you a bit intimidating.

That might not be the most flattering thing you ever said.

You can’t be sad that I find you intimidating and also annoyed that I don’t. It’s incongruent. Incongruous. In-something.

I can be any way I want to be. It’s my prerogative as an odd duck.

Most of the people I love are odd ducks.

You are way more social than I am. Or maybe you just like people more.

Which says more about how unsocial you are than how social I am. Although you are really not all that unsocial.

I socialize all the time.

Me too. It makes me tired, though.

Introverts.

It’d be weird to be an extrovert. To actually need to be around people all the time. How would I ever get any reading or writing done?

You’d have to stay up all night. And I wouldn’t have any time for music.

Nope. Only golf and parties with the beautiful people.

You think I would party with the beautiful people?

Wouldn’t you?

Just my friends.

So. Consider what you just said there.

What? Oh, please. Don’t fish for compliments.

I like compliments.

I like that you just admit that you like compliments.

Anyyyyway. All I meant was that you are such a great musician that I just didn’t want to be horrible so I was a little nervous. I am NOT a great musician. And shut up. I’m not fishing for a compliment.

And I am not going to provide one.

Thank you. I am sorry I hurt your feelings.

It’s OK. You didn’t say anything that should have hurt my feelings.

Even so. I will attempt to atone in some way. I am terrible at apologies.

You are?

How many have you ever gotten from me?

I don’t know. None? Have you done a lot of things to me requiring apologies that I am unaware of?

Maybe. You should do some sleuthing and find out.

Is there a timeframe I should be looking at?

I don’t remember. We haven’t known each other that long. Only 35 years or so. You should be able to come up with something I owe you an apology for, and I would really like to get all of my atonement done at one time.

I’ll be sure to text you immediately. I wouldn’t want to cut into your atonement efficiency rating.

No. That would suck. I appreciate your willingness to help.

I’m not just anyone, you know. I am an exceptional human being.

You never could be just anyone.
Thank you for not trying to be!

I probably think about what happened more than I should.

About what?

I have last words on my mind. You know there was that thing last week. That really shitty thing that someone said to me.

Why are you thinking about it at all? It was shitty.

Right. It was. It was a kick in the guts, for sure.

It’s not like you weren’t expecting it.

What??? I absolutely wasn’t expecting it.

Why not?

Because he hasn’t ever said anything awful before…

He’s done shitty things all along.

Well. No.

Yes.

Disagree.

You’re nuts. Or more masochistic than you should be.

No.

Yes.

This was different.

No it wasn’t. You displeased the king, and he let you know.

No.

Yes.

He misinterpreted what I said. Or just assumed intent that I didn’t have.

Because he is a dick.

No.

Yes.

NO. He isn’t.

He said you make him sick. On what planet would that ever be OK??

None. None. None. But..

Seriously? What excuse could there possibly be?

I don’t want that to be the last thing we ever say to each other. That would suck.

He sucks.

No.

Yes.

No. Really. No. I don’t know why, but I don’t believe it. There is some reason.

No there isn’t. He is a cocksucker. Don’t overthink it. Judge by his actions.

But…

What! He has been a dick all along. Why are you making excuses for it?

I don’t know. Because. Because it seems like there must be something I don’t know.

You don’t know that he is a dick.

No.

Yes.

I don’t think he is. I know he is acting like one. It’s really pretty indisputable based on his actions.

So why are you still thinking about it?

Because it is important to me. I can’t stand the thought that the last words that we will ever say to each other are so awful.

But that is what he said. You can’t argue that.

No. I can’t. But did he mean it?

Why are you so sure he didn’t?

I am not. I don’t trust him. He has been unkind to me. He’s stood me up more than once. He has just disappeared for weeks at a time. He has acted like I am his own personal consolation prize…

So why are you giving it any thought at all?

Because. I don’t know. Because I really, really want to believe that he cares.

You have no basis for that. At all.

No, I don’t. Except for what he says, and I admit that I can’t trust him. But still. It is what I believe.

I don’t get it.

Me either. No one else gets these second, third, twentieth chances. No one.

Rightfully so.

Maybe. I don’t know. It’s what I think though.

Why is there even a scrap of doubt in your head about this?

Because I knew him when he used to be a Real Boy. And the Real Boy would never do anything to hurt me. Not on purpose. It isn’t my head. It’s my heart.

That was a long time ago.

I know. Still. I worry that the Real Boy is in there.

He doesn’t worry about you. Not even one tiny bit.

It sure doesn’t feel like he does. Still. There is something there, and it is really important to me.

There is NOT.

I just can’t bring myself to believe it, but I probably need to.

Definitely.

All I know is that those would suck as last words.

He should never have said them.

But he did. The words are out there now.

He can’t take them back.

And he won’t apologize. He thinks I deserve it.

He is a dick.

No. He just plays one on TV.

If he cared about you, he would be more empathetic.

Empathetic is not one of his attributes.

That’s an understatement.

Look–I don’t think I can explain it. Even to myself. What he said was completely unacceptable. Completely. I can forgive it, but not accept it…but I hate that those words would be the end. There has to be some more gracious way. Some way to salvage something. This is important.

Only to you.

I hope not. I don’t think so. I hope it isn’t all in my head.

You are just going to end up getting hurt.

I already am hurt. I would rather be hurt than find out later that there was some reason for all of this shit.

You are grasping at straws. Let it go.

I am. I am, but I need to know that I am letting go for the right reasons.

I saw this meme on Facebook the other day that has me a little worried.

Only you would worry about a meme.

It isn’t the meme so much as the message.

I’m sure it was very profound.

Are you going to just fling sarcasm at me, or maybe try listening?

Oh! You mean you actually are worried?

Do you have any idea how much I would like to punch you in the face right now?

I’m sorry. I will listen as much as my worry about potential violence permits.

Thanks.

What did the meme say?

It was a list of things that are relationship killers, and I think both of us may be afflicted with all of them.

It’s a good thing you aren’t in a relationship.

Did you wake up on the “I’m a douchebag” side of the bed this morning?

Sorry. Apparently I did. You aren’t the only one who has noticed.

Don’t take it out on me. I am not in the mood.

I will try.

Thanks. Anyway, you aren’t in a relationship either. Or so you have not said.

So…the relationship killers are what?

Insecurity, jealousy, assumptions, trust issues and lack of communication. Recognize anyone?

You?

Well, I was thinking of you, but whatever.

You think I am insecure?

Also jealous, lacking in trust and not so talented at communicating.

Glad you think I have so many good points.

I do think you have a lot of good points. If you weren’t so insecure you would remember that I mentioned several of them to you the other day.

Ouch.
I am not insecure though. Not at all.

Calling bullshit on that. You are terrifically insecure, but you mask it with almost unbearable cockiness. At least I have the guts to be openly insecure.

Competitive insecurity. Nice.
I do admit to being jealous sometimes.

But not to trust issues or poor communication?

OK. Yes. Both.
Are you really worried about this shit?

You don’t think it is a problem if we have a hard time trusting each other?

I trust you. It isn’t mutual?

We have talked about it before. You typically are less than open most of the time. You let me find things out accidentally that it would be better to find out directly from you. The lack of communication leads me to make assumptions and stop trusting you. One thing fuels another.

That is probably true.

And?

And I do the best I can.
Don’t look at me like that–I do!

I know. I am not sure it’s enough.

Up to you.

I know. I can only change my own side and hope for it to get better.

Faith. You need to have faith.

Which is a challenge when things keep happening that undermine it.

Faith.

Talk to me.

Stop banging your head on the counter. Whimpering won’t solve anything.
You know my intentions are not bad.

Do I? By osmosis?
Is it enough for your intentions to not be bad? I think I might need them to be more actively good.

Faith.

Trying.
It is wearing thin. Do they make a patch for it?
What happens when it’s gone?

It won’t be.