An imaginary conversation with Taco69Amuck

Hey there, sugar. 

Why do you have taco in your user name?

I don know. I like tacos, I guess. 

You weren’t born in 1969–you’re 55!

Nope. 

Are you aware that both taco and 69 are euphemisms?

What?

Euphemisms. 

Whatver. 

And you spelled amok incorrectly. 

Who died and made you queen of speling?

The Pope. 

What?

No one, but don’t you want your name to be spelled right?

I don’t care, speling doesn’t interest me much. 

So I see. 

You have great legs. I’d love you to wrap em around me some nite. 

Does this approach ever work?

I luv sex. 

With women?

oF course. im the best, sugar. 

Somehow I doubt that very much.

I get all i want. 

Well, good for you. That isn’t the same as being good though, is it. 

I dont get any complains. 

You’ve gotten several from me. 

What?

Right. I think we’re through here!

Cmon. Give me a chance. Youll be glad you did. 

I’m already regretting spending this much time with you. 

Bye sugar. 

An imaginary conversation about having a really fucking bad day

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Bad day, Buttercup?

Fuck everyone and the motherfucking horse they rode in on! 

Apparently so. 

I know I say this ironically all the fucking time, but why does everything have to be so hard?

Oh, sweetie, don’t cry…is there anything I can do?

DON’T CALL ME SWEETIE, YOU KNOW I FUCKING HATE BEING CALLED SWEETIE. AND DON’T BE SO FUCKING NICE TO ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

It’s just that you sounded so forlorn and profane at the same time, I couldn’t help but call you sweetie.

I’m sorry. I suck. You can call me sweetie. I know you know my name.

Yes, I do. You are one of my favorite people in the whole world. I love you.

I know you do, but thank you for saying so.

You need a hug badly. And a kleenex. Blow your nose. By the way,  I have never met anyone else who can scream profanites while sobbing like her heart is broken. It’s a very unusual talent.

You always know just what to say to make me feel better.

Fucking weirdo.

I love you. You talk to me like I’m sane when I am crying. No one ever does that. And you aren’t nice to me. I mean, nicer  than normal.

If I’m nice to you, you’ll cry more.

I know…you actually believed me when I told you that. No one ever does.

Of course I believed you. Who would make up something that weird?

The kind of person who yells f-bombs at her favorite person because she’s having a meltdown. I apologized already, right?

Yes you did. And you do not suck.

Oh, yes I do. In a couple of ways. 

You must be calming down.

Why?

You’re already talking about blow jobs. 

Well, someone’s got to!

Here’s another Kleenex.

You’re the best person I know.

Thanks, sweetie. You gonna tell me what’s going on?

It’s stupid and embarrassing. 

Good, then I can use it against you once you stop crying. 

Dick. 

Heheheh.

It’s just so fucking…juvenile. I feel like I’m 15. Except I didn’t swear when I was fifteen. 

Was a boy mean to you?

All the boys are being mean to me. Can you beat them up for me?

I’m a hugger, not a slugger. Can I ask you a question without it hurting your feelings?

Oh, God, really? I’m barely able to keep it together and you want to  ask difficult questions? Go ahead. Have a Kleenex handy. 

Do you think you are taking everything about dating too personally? 

Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I take it personally.  Dating is all about people wanting or not wanting you personally. 

But you do realize that if someone isn’t interested in you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, right?

Asshole. Yes. I realize that on an intellectual level, and most of the time I even feel it internally. Not today though. 

Why not today?

Because I am pretty much questioning everything about myself. There are 5 guys I have gone out with in the last several weeks. All of them seemed like they had a good time. I saw one of them enough times that I don’t even know how many times. He seemed very into me, but there were some red flags. I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks. We had been seeing each other a couple of times a week and were at least saying hello almost every day. He just disappeared. Two I kind of liked. They say they want to get together but..nothing. One is really too young. One of them I was really excited about, and I thought he was just as enthusiastic. We had a good time. The next day he kind of gave me the dating kiss of death–called me sweet and nice–and after some lukewarm conversations, pretty much stopped talking. Claimed he was interested.  It makes me wonder. It just seems like something must be wrong with me for this many people in a row to bail. 

Or maybe they are wrong for you and you’re lucky to find out. 

I know this when the rejection comes in ones and twos. It is harder to keep believing it isn’t me when it comes by the dozen. 

It’ll work out. 

I know, but this week kind of sucked. The saving grace was the chatty guy up North, and the kid. 

You’re still talking to them both? See, you aren’t hideous! Are you going to see the kid again? 

We talk every day, pretty much…but he hasn’t asked me out. I don’t think he will. 

Why don’t you ask him?

I asked the first time. I don’t feel like chasing anyone. I kind of need someone to chase me. 

What about the island guy?

We also talk pretty much every day. We are kind of hinting around at meeting up there soon. 

You can’t go up there alone!

I’d work out something safe. Anyway it won’t be this weekend. 

You could use a weekend off. 

I guess. I am a little tired. 

You should go to sleep. 

Yes. Thanks for being you. 

Thanks for being one of my peeps. 
     

An imaginary conversation about losing interest

Hey. I haven’t heard from you for a while. How’ve you been?

Good, you?

Is everything OK?

Yeah, everything is fine. Why?

Nothing. It’s just that I haven’t heard from you. 

I’m not sure what to say to that. 

What do you mean?

I don’t want to sound…

What? Are you sick of me already?

What?  Why would you think that? 

It’s alright if you just say so. I can take it. 

What am I supposed to say? I haven’t said anything that would make you feel that way, have I ?

You stopped talking to me. 

What?

I haven’t heard from you in a few days. It made me wonder. 

Are you trying to be a dick on purpose?

No. Why do you think I’m being a dick?

Because you stopped responding to me weeks ago, and now you’re acting like I am doing something wrong for not continuing the one sided conversation. 

I like hearing from you. When you stopped talking when I was out of town, I just figured you must have lost interest. 

I am not going to say what most people would say right now. I am going to say what I feel instead.

That is what I want you to do. 

I like you. A lot. I thought I had been very clear about it. Maybe even a little more clear than I should have been. 

I know. I feel the same way. 

But that doesn’t mean I am going to be the only one doing the talking. I can’t just send messages into the air. I need there to be a dialogue. 

I got so busy, and I was thinking about you all the time. 

And I have no way of knowing that unless you tell me. 

I just did. 

I just don’t know if that is enough. 

What do you mean?

So, we have talked quite a bit, but we’ve only seen each other once. 

It was great connecting with you. 

Was it?

You didn’t think so?

I did. Your subsequent behavior didn’t convince me that you did though. 

What do you mean?

I thought it went really well, but you sort of virtually patted me on the head and called me sweet and then disappeared for a week. 

No, I was in touch. 

Were you?

Sure! We talked while I was out of town. 

Not really. We talked a lot before we met, but not really afterwards. When you barely said a word to me, and made absolutely no mention of getting together again, I figured you weren’t into me. 

But I said…

You said I was sweet. And nice. That’s the dating kiss of death. You might as well have said I have a great personality. 

You do have a great personality. 

Fuck you. 

Why are you so mad?

I’m not mad. I’m frustrated that you are complaining about how I stopped talking to you, when you are the one who stopped talking. 

I missed hearing from you!

All you had to do is answer my messages in the first place. 

So, in summary, you still like me. A lot. 

Right. Except that I hate you right this minute. You’ll have to work out something to change my mind

I know just the thing. 

I suspect you do. 

Are you free tonight?

No, actually I have plans. 

Are you serious?

Are you saying that no one but you could possibly want to see me?

What?? No! I’m sorry. God, you’re touchy. I was just disappointed. Tomorrow night?

Sorry. I’m free Saturday or Sunday. 

Fuck. I will be really busy with the kids all weekend. 

I don’t know if you have time for me. 

No, I do. I want to get to know you better. 

Saying you want something is not enough. I need some sort of regular contact with you in order to maintain any sort of ongoing interest. Something substantial. If you can’t make time, then it isn’t going to work for me.

What are you saying?

I’m saying that I don’t want to be the person in the back of someone’s  black book who only gets a call when he’s desperate. 

That is not what this is. Really. 

Prove it. 

How?

Figure it out. Make time for me, or leave me the fuck alone. I know you’re busy. I have a life too, but if we are going to get to know each other, that means spending time together in some way. 

OK.  Monday?

Monday I am free. 

7 o’clock?

Yes. Can I assume you are picking the place?

Oh yeah. The place you picked sucked. 

I’m in complete agreement. Let me know where. 

Can I pick you up?

At my house?

Does that make you uncomfortable? I can meet you if that is better for you. 

No, no. I’d love it if you pick me up. I’ll text you the address. 

Thanks for not bolting. 

See you in a few days.