Category: Imaginary Conversation

So what are you going to do?

Fuck, I don’t know.

It seems pretty obvious to me.

I know it does. I wish it did to me.

It doesn’t?

Well, yes, actually it does. It’s totally obvious.

So what’s the problem?

I don’t like it. It feels wrong. The logical thing.

But you know what’s going to happen, right?

My brain does.

And you aren’t listening to your brain because why?

Because my heart says something else. Maybe I’m an idiot.

No, you’re just human.

A human idiot.

No. I’ll support you whatever you do.

Because you are awesome. Too bad I am not in love with you.

It would make some things a lot easier.

I’m sure I could learn to be more gay.

No you couldn’t.

It’s not like I’ve ever tried. Maybe I have an aptitude for it.

I am NOT explaining that to my boyfriend.

Yeah. That might be awkward. Although..technically…he never said you couldn’t go out with other women.

No. That is true. We haven’t had a discussion about that. But I thought you were against the sort of honesty that is based on just not saying things that aren’t true.

Oh, we’re going to be requiring coherency from me now? I’m not sure I am prepared for that.

Only on honesty.

I have to agree with you there. Besides, we are both shitty liars.

Especially me.

Why especially you?

No reason.

Hmm…

Really.

OK. I’m not a good liar either, you know.

I don’t think you’ve ever needed to lie to me about anything, so I wouldn’t know.

I’m too lazy to be a liar. I don’t like keeping track of things that much.

It makes it too easy to be confused.

Right. And we both know I am already confused enough already.

Right.

In my next life, I am coming back as one of those total dicks who never second-guesses himself ever.

Reincarnation? Really? And you want to be a man?

Shut up. I don’t feel like being rational.

I noticed.

Well. Oh, I’ve got nothing. I’m not being rational. I am trying, wildly unsuccessfully, not to overthink something and go with my instincts. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I was being swept off my feet.

That doesn’t appear to be likely. When was the last time you even really talked?

I know, I know. I don’t think I have ever been less swept off my feet in my whole life. It would be kind of nice to have that happen, I think.

You deserve a grand gesture.

I don’t think I am the grand gesture type. I’m probably too cozy for grand gestures or something. A trip to the coast or something would be more my speed. Camping in a yurt.

You don’t even like camping.

A yurt wouldn’t really be camping. Just…someplace with no cell service or wi-fi. Quiet. With water. Maybe a balcony. OK. Not a yurt. A cabin.

What about a bar?

We can bring a cooler.

On your imaginary trip with someone who you aren’t really even quite talking to?

Maybe I should just go to the beach alone…I haven’t done that for years. It could be fun.

It sounds lonely.

Alone is not automatically lonely.

It is for me.

I kind of like it. At the beach it’s nice to have someone who can build a fire, though. I am afraid of fire, but I like to have a fire when I am at the beach.

Having been on fire could make a person a little nervous.

Once burned, twice shy.

That doesn’t just apply to actual fire, you know.

Oh, I know. I definitely know.

You know, I hate it when I lose songs when a relationship ends.

Lose songs? What?

That doesn’t happen to you?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

You know how certain songs seem to just belong to how you feel about a certain person?

Like my first boyfriend and “Brick House?”

Uh. That is an interesting one.

He loved that song.

I’m thinking more along the lines of a song that has a lyric that describes your relationship, or that was “your song” or that you listened to together all the time, or something like that…

Ohhhh. Like how I associate you and that Elvis Costello song about angels and red shoes.

I do have a lot of red shoes. And yes, just like that. Only with looooove.

So how do you lose a song? It’s not like you have to stop playing it just because someone does something shitty.

Not legally, maybe, but they do get harder to listen to.

You mean like those songs that make you cry when you hear them even though you love them because they remind you so strongly of someone who isn’t around anymore?

That is what I mean. It drives me nuts that I can’t listen to most of James Taylor because someone was a dick to me. I really like James Taylor. I don’t want to skip past “You’ve Got A Friend” when it comes on because it has bad associations now. It’s not the song’s fault.

What would you propose doing about it?

I would make not being a dick to me mandatory. Legally.

That would be an interesting piece of legislation to pull off.

Yeah. Luckily, there aren’t that many people capable of ruining songs for me like that. Sadly, there are probably more critical issues for the legislature to work on than preventing two or three people from being assholes to me.

Perhaps. But it does suck to lose a favorite song.

It’s almost worse than losing the person, to me. I did read something that gave me hope– apparently it’s mostly only songs that you form attachments to as a teenager that have that super strong effect. Adults supposedly don’t form such tight music-emotion bonds. Although…that leaves how I feel about the Lumineers unexplained.

On so many levels.

Don’t judge me.

You know, toddlers get what they want most of the time. And they act like total douche nozzles.

They really do.

I mean, they throw things, the scream when they are cranky, they kick and bite…and people love them.

Isn’t that a genetic thing so the species survives?

Sure, but why can’t I behave like that now?

Would you want to?

Maybe.

Because….?

Well, how many unhappy toddlers do you know? I mean, they scream for a minute and then they are over it. Maybe all I need to do is scream more.

Scream more? Well. I am sure there is a reason it doesn’t work for adults.

Just because people expect a certain kind of behavior doesn’t mean I have to comply does it?

Maybe if you expect a paycheck.

True enough. But how fun would it be to collapse on the floor in a conference room kicking my feet against the wall and screaming “nooooooo, nooooooooo, I don’t like youuuuuuuu nooooooo” and then suddenly giggling hysterically?

You’d get your dress dirty, and people might see your underwear.

So. Like honey badger, toddler me don’t care. I’d make sure I had nice underpants, though.

Of course.

Being a toddler is no excuse for ugly panties.

Definitely not.

But I think I should work myself up to screaming tantrums gradually.

Well, yeah. You should warm up.

Get people used to it a little at a time.

That is a smart idea.

Thanks. I was thinking I could start by stamping my little feet when someone does something I don’t like.

Then what?

Then I could work up to foot stomping with the additional “nooooooooooo, nooooooooo, noooooooooo” added in.

How long were you thinking?

To work my way up to the full hissy?

Yeah.

Three weeks, if I choose a fairly aggressive schedule. Five if I take a more relaxed approach.

Toddlers take about 18-24 months to get there.

But I do have some experience already. I mean, I have already been a toddler before.

Ooh, good point! You just need to sort of coax it back out.

I think I am up for the challenge. I just have to wait for someone to displease me.

That shouldn’t take long.

Nah. I should be working into my first foot stomp well before noon tomorrow.

Let me know how that goes.

I am really going to enjoy this.

Until you get fired.

I can walk the line. I know I can.

Good luck!