What do I want, anyway?

Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true.

The devil is in the details.

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
–the Spice Girls

In this time of personal and professional upheaval, I am once again confronting the joys of change. Which is always a good time to think about what the fuck it is that I want on both levels.

Like everyone, I have a hard time with change. Like everyone, I have to deal with it because shit happens. A lot. I actually think that having your life tossed up into the air is ultimately a good thing, or can be. It isn’t generally a pleasant experience at the time though.

Over the years I have learned through both sad and happy experience that “what I want” is a shifting target. Oh, the basics are what everyone wants. A good job that I enjoy doing (mostly) and friends and family who love me and who I love back.

Professionally, I am still trying to figure it out. This might be a great time to totally change my path. If only I knew where the road was. More on that later, because I just have to sort of get through the next few months.

Personally? Since my personal life is more important to me than my professional life, I’ve given it considerably more thought. (Side note from my self: why is that? I spend a lot of time at work, and need to do things like pay my mortgage. Doesn’t that deserve some attention too? Shut up, self!)

What do I want? A partner who has my back. You can’t choose your family, but you definitely choose your romantic partners. And it’s not a simple thing. You have to not only  love them but also like them, they have to like you back. And in the right way, too. That is pretty simple.

Details, though, are a tricky thing.

I need someone, probably a man,  who communicates and doesn’t let me hole up in my introvert hole. It sounds good in theory, but might it also mean someone who talks my ear off and wants to drag me around to a million social events? Or someone who wants  me have  and share feelings about things I actually don’t have feelings about?

Someone who will take care of me  would be nice.  Sure, but not so much that I feel like I’m being constantly surveilled or forced into subservience. Sometimes I want to be alone. Me and Garbo. Also, I can take care of myself most of the time. And I want to. But the physical and emotional backup would be great.

I want some space. Not too much space, though, or I’ll just drift off.

Someone who wants to do things with me? Yeah, as long as he doesn’t try to try to do EVERYTHING with me.

To be needed, but not to the extent that I feel like everything is my responsibility.

To be dominated or let someone take control at times, but not be beaten up either mentally or physically.

Someone who has strong opinions, but still thinks mine are the most important. Er, who is willing to listen to mine. Note from my self: you may still need some work on listening to someone else’s views.

Strong willed without being a mule about it. See above.

Smart. But he can’t think he knows everything.

Funny, but not using it as a weapon or to evade discussion.

Principled without being a religious, political or racial bigot.

Flexible but not so bendy you never know what they stand for.

Sexually oriented without hounding me to put out every second.

Maybe the saying should actually be that the devil is in the balance of the details…

Maybe I am too picky. Or too something else. Not enough something?

I’m still not good at just being present. I drift off mentally. I’m inpatient. Too blunt. Well-intentioned, but awkward about how I say things. Still inclined to not say things at all if someone might react badly or has reacted badly in the past. And we all know what happens when you bottle things up. When they do come out (and they always do) there’s a bit of an explosion.

So I’m willing to admit that it’s probably me. The Mentos and Diet Coke of internalizing.