Unsteady as she goes

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
–Lao Tzu


Yeah, sure, change is great but who’s going to pay my mortgage? Fuck you, Lao Tzu!

Every now and then, it seems, life decides that the best thing is to throw everything into the air and see where it all lands.  Sometimes life is an asshole, but since life is all there is, I do the best I can to improvise and stay with it. Try to, anyway, but sometimes the situation does sort of teeter between hysterical laugher and tears.

So what do I do? I make plans, which sometimes seems silly in the face of a life that delights in upsetting the plans people come up with. I make lists. I consider career counseling. I consider finding a sugar daddy. I cut expenses. I make more lists. I make sure my bills are paid and I’m as equipped as I can be to deal with whatever happens.  I laugh. I read. I cry.  I do all the same things I always do, but with more wild contingency plans about renting rooms out and less shopping for the ultimate black eyeliner.

Luckily, I enjoy contingency planning, but when everything gets tossed into the air my ability to focus is impacted. I get forgetful. Scattered, like everything around me. Short tempered? Well. It could happen. We all know that I have issues with patience in the best of times. It gets harder to do things I need to do to move forward, and my ability to pay attention is just not there.

I keep trying  to find the balance between rolling with the changes,  being open to what life brings and finding the best path for myself among the options. Trying not to do something wildly stupid but wondering if I need to throw my innate cautious nature aside for the moment and do something I wouldn’t normally do.

I do think that life’s game of 52 Card Pickup can be an opportunity.  To take chances that you wouldn’t normally consider. To think seriously about things you wouldn’t normally even look at when things are going according to “the plan.” I am risk adverse. Very. When life tosses my plans into the air like a deck of cards, then I get a chance to take a chance I wouldn’t normally take. Or even be in a position where I have to take a chance.

Trying to look at it as a wake up call rather than a knock on the head is not easy. Maybe being knocked down is a chance to look at things from a different angle.

Maybe it’s just all fucked up. Maybe I’ll end up homeless. Maybe I’ll get sick and die without health insurance.

I suspect it’ll all work out in some way I hadn’t even expected. It always does.

If it doesn’t, I’ll rent out my spare bedrooms and get a job as a greeter at Wal-mart. “What the fuck to do want” is an appropriate greeting, right?


Also, Fuck You Lao Tzu would be a great band name.