Will she or won’t she?

There are not a lot of things that I am not willing to write about, but there are a few. It’s a personal blog, I write about personal thoughts. Some of it is uncomfortable for me, maybe also for people I refer to. I try to be respectful of people’s feelings, but..well..it’s about me and my feelings. Some of those feelings are about y’all.

If I don’t write honestly about how I think and feel, if I hold back too much out of fear of offending someone, then it gets a little blurry around the edges.

I can only think of one time when someone was shaken up enough about something I posted that he asked me to alter it. The change was a small one, and it didn’t impact the overall intent of the post and I was happy to make the change. He would have preferred that it not be written at all, but he knew he couldn’t really ask me to take it down.

There’s a bit of a balance between privacy and emotional honesty and I don’t always hit the mark. I’m a wonder-er aloud, not a writer. I’m figuring it out as I go. I’ve opted not to have a theme for my posts. They’re a bit random. Nothing that requires research. I’m definitely not a journalist. When I delve into topics like politics, it is most definitely pure semi-educated opinion.

And rambling. Lots of rambling.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the honesty has to be applied to myself, too. If I am honest, that inspection and introspection have to be aimed inwardly as well as outwardly. My actions count too. Of course, I don’t always know how my actions impact other people unless they tell me.

I’ve written about online dating, dreams, black angels, issues interacting with people, isolation, depression and masturbation.

I haven’t written very much about my weight. It’s been around the edges of some posts. I try to keep it at the edges of everything, but it’s difficult sometimes. Particularly right now, since I am considering a major step–bariatric surgery– and I need to decide how and if I want to post about it. You may have noticed that I am fat. I would like to be less fat in the future.

Why not write about it, just like I write about everything else? Because it’s just fucking boring. I do not want to turn this into a weight loss blog. No one wants to read how many calories I ate, or if I hit my 10,000 steps for the day. It’s too boring to write about. Still, this will have a big impact on my life, so it’s going to come out.

And it will have an impact not only on my body, but also on my emotions. So it seems like something I cannot avoid discussing if I want to maintain any sort of semblance of honesty.

I won’t be able to have car bombs anymore—people are bound to notice! So consider yourselves warned.

What do I think the challenges will be? Wild guess?

Dealing with people who say things that start with “why don’t you just…” without poking them in the eye with a fork.

Dealing with my own embarrassment about having to resort to surgery instead of exercise and eating sensibly.

Dealing with a lifetime of not being able to eat the way I do now, and with the fact that the way I eat now is why I am in this fix in the first place.

Struggling not to kill people who offer me potato chips.

Struggling not to kill Stephen when he reminds me to eat slowly.

Remembering to be nice to myself.

Oh, and remembering my mantra from fat camp: give yourself a fucking break.

Did I mention I won’t be able to drink alcohol for several months, and that even then I will be so sensitive to the effects that I might never drink much again?

Well. This should be a fun process. I hope you all like me sober!