There was this guy?
And he looked like he might have been a hatcheck clerk
In an ice rink.
Which, in fact, he turned out to be.
And I said oh boy.
Right.
Again.
–Laurie Anderson/Let X = X
It has always been really hard to connect with new people for me. I have friends who have been with me forever, but I’m not one of those charmed (or is it charming) people who collects new friends easily. College was an exception, there are so many people around, and classes give you a common point of reference, and you’re all the same age and have so much in common–it’s easier then. As an adult? It is much more of a challenge. You have work. Maybe you have church if that’s your thing. But dating people at work can be…hmm…problematic for some of us. In my case, I worked with one man and about 40 women. I’m more or less straight. I wasn’t going to meet Prince Charming in the workplace.
So what does a single person do to meet people if she is both verbally challenged and shy like I am?
She puts up a profile on an online dating service. If you follow some basic safety rules and are of at least average writing ability, it’s a pretty good way to meet people. If you just want to hook up, it’s apparently even better. You might not meet the person of your dreams, but then again you might.
My handle was ImPerfect, a name which I blatantly stole from a friend because of the clever ambiguity. (Good band name)
It’s all very simple. Basically, you post a profile and wait for people to contact you. I would guess that the number of messages roughly corresponds to a number that equals your external physical attractiveness multiplied by how good you make yourself sound in your profile, divided by Pi. Shazam! Dating science!
If you are new to the site, you have a multiplier for being New Meat as well.
I didn’t make it up. Dating Science plus my own purely anecdotal evidence means this is as empirical as it gets.
When you get messages, you read them, and look at the sender’s profile. You can answer or not. I was surprised at how little thought most people put into their profiles. In most of them, you get no sense of who a person is at all. In others, you feel like you’re having coffee with them. Others still are clearly just looking for a hookup.
You could also initiate a message rather than waiting for one to arrive. I only did that a few times. Once, when I thought I had already met the guy in the Real World. As it turned out, out we’d taken the worst Computer Science class ever together the previous year. We sat next to each other the whole time. I was very surprised he never asked me out, and was even more surprised when he told me I was too intimidating to date even though he had a huge crush on me when we had Computer Science together. Yes. Intimidating. I get that sometimes. I have no idea why.
Anyway.
My profile was funny and charming, and I’m absurdly photogenic, so I got a lot of messages in spite of the fact that I posted my actual height and weight in my profile. In spite of the accurate vital statistics, a few guys I met in person voiced concern about my size. As in “you’re smart and funny and I had a great time tonight but…gee you’re fat.” Had they read my own description of myself? Yes, but they didn’t believe it. Apparently I sound much thinner in writing. Ah, well. There is only so much a fairly attractive but large sized woman can do to keep men from being douchebags.
I have no idea what it’s like for men, or for other women, but online dating was simple for me. Kind of like ordering off a menu. You exchange a few messages, if that goes well you escalate to telephone calls. I suppose these days it’s texting. After a few phone conversations, you at least know if you’ll get along well enough to spend a few hours together.
Like ordering off a menu, sometimes you don’t get exactly what you are expecting in both good and bad ways. I had someone get pretty upset with me for ordering asparagus risotto in an Italian restaurant, Apparently ordering adventurously was important to him. I really like fresh asparagus. Shrug.
Another guy was clearly gay. I’m not going by gaydar, he made a few comments about not normally dating women much. He was very funny, acerbic beyond the pale and neither of us found the other even remotely sexually appealing. It was a quick, but entertaining date.
Then there was the guy I went out with once, had a really good time with. A Really. Good. Time. Who then felt compelled to break up with me the next day. I told him we were not in a relationship, so I didn’t require a full-fledged breakup. I’m guessing he may have been married. Quirky date.
Then there was the red head I’ve written about before. It didn’t work out, but we had a great time until he dumped me for that 12 year old lesbian girl. I just can’t compete with that.
One guy I met was just like a smart version of Tigger. One of the smartest guys I’ve ever met. We also had a great, great first date. We went to the 24 hour Church of Elvis, and wandered around down town. Watched some fireworks. Then 2 days later he called and told me he’d met the woman of his dreams and wanted to be friends. In the ONLY recorded instance of that EVER actually being true, we did become friends and had a standing weekly date to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the next several years. The woman of his dreams? He eventually married her.
And then there was this one guy with bleached blond hair growing out all wonky. Gap teeth. Dorky Elvis Costello glasses. He played the bass. Liked to take pictures of rusty crap. We had coffee together. That worked out pretty well.
I kept him.
