Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.
–Honoré de BalzacIf you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.
–Jean-Paul SartreI’ll read my books and I’ll drink coffee and I’ll listen to music, and I’ll bolt the door.
–JD Salinger
As someone who tilts pretty strongly to the introverted side of life, there is something I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t understand about introverts. Two things, actually:
1. Being introverted isn’t the same thing as being shy, though many introverts are also shy.
2. Being introverted doesn’t mean someone doesn’t enjoy people, it just means that they prefer to take their people in smaller doses.
An introvert doesn’t feel more energetic after being around groups of people, but gets mentally drained. After I spend time with a large group of people, particularly if I don’t know many of them, I’ll need to spend some time on my own before I’m quite right again. I need to recharge. I think that’s probably the biggest difference between introverts and extroverts, and also the biggest potential source of conflict. An extrovert gains energy from being around people, and an introvert loses energy. If we don’t understand that about each other, it can lead to problems.
Extroverts often don’t understand why the introverts are hiding in their room reading when the party is still going on. Or why they don’t want to go to the party in the first place. Since they feel more energetic after spending time with groups of people, it’s easy for them to assume that there’s something inherently unsocial about someone who doesn’t feel the same way.
Introverts don’t understand why the extroverts always want so many people around all the time. It’s easy for me to assume that there’s a flaw in the character of someone who can’t seem to have a good time on his own, but always needs to be surrounded by tons of people.
An introvert wonders what the extrovert is hiding from himself by avoiding solitude. An extrovert wonders what the introvert has to hide from other people.
If we try to understand how we each operate, we can be a source of support to each other. An extrovert can draw me out, bring me out of my comfort zone. I can help an extrovert get to know himself better, bringing some introspection into his life, bringing him out of his own comfort zone.
Each social type has its own strengths and weaknesses. Neither is inherently superior.
As a shy introvert, I spend a lot of time alone. By choice. I need it. It was only recently that I began to figure out that it wasn’t because I am weird or because I don’t like people. I’ll always need to balance my need for solitude with a need for what other people bring into my life.
How do you deal with an introvert? Easy. If I’m at a big party with you and I seem to be spending too much time watching the proceedings from a distance, check in with me and ask if I am having a good time. If I am smiling and I seem OK, and I tell you I am enjoying myself, then I probably am. Many introverts enjoy watching people interact. We like listening to the extroverts perform. We’re observers. If you’re a life of the party type, I probably also love watching you do your thing. Chances are I’ll even find a few people to talk to one on one.
If there are people at a party who I know and like, I will have a good time. introverts just enjoy large groups in a different way from extroverts. We prefer to see people in smaller quantities, but we can deal with the occasional big bash and have a great time. In our own way.
Unless the party sucks. No one likes a party that sucks.
One of the things that is the most annoying to me is when people assume that I am no fun because I am initially quiet. I hear “have you always been this funny?” a lot. And yes. I have always been this funny. You can be funny and quiet. People who step away from the crowd and talk to me will find that out. Unlike most extroverts, a shy introvert tends not to perform for strangers. A lot of times, the things I say are not heard because it’s hard for people to listen in a crowd. It is very hard for me to chat with people I don’t know. I feel awkward. I can’t think of things to say. It’s not because I am stupid or boring, it’s because I am shy. I do the best I can, but I suck at it. Maybe I should get a button to wear that says “I’m not a boring snob, I am just socially awkward.”
That itself would be socially awkward, I know.
It really helps when my more extroverted friends realize that after a weekend with a big group of people, I will be a little quieter than usual for a few days. I won’t leave the house. I’m not depressed. I am not being withdrawn. I am just getting my mental energy topped up again.
If I go somewhere with a group of friends and leave the group for a few hours to curl up with a book and they understand that it doesn’t mean that I think they are boring? If they leave me alone because they understand?
Heaven.
If you can respect my craving for time alone, I will respect your need to be around people and understand that you find it as energizing as I find it draining. If you can spend time with me talking and reading just the two of us, then I might even learn to love you.